The Bollywood Cowbserver

Sitar Wars - Episode Minus Twenty Seven - Who Moved Darth Vader's Cheddar?

2008-07-05T21:56:00.010+08:00

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that sitar used to make me smile

Starring:
Darth Kader (Khan) - Bollywood's inimitable Dark Lard of the Shit

Chewbaba - A Rookie Sadhu that loves the bong

Luke SkyNaukar - Wannabe Chaddhi Knight and Servant Extraordinaire

Dhobi Wank A Noobie (nOOb) - Washerman with a penchant for giving virgin youths hand-jobs.

Scene Uno, Circa 8957 AD:
Darth Kader: Who moved my cheese?
Dhobi Wank-a-nOOb: Stop airing your dirty laundry in public or I shall be compelled to use the force of my washerman's bat on you, Darth Cheddar Luke Sky Naukar: Did you get last week's laundry yet, Dhobi? Darth Kader hasn't changed his Chaddhis in a week and we fear a Chaddhi uprising
Chewbaba: Blhahlkjdajasda. Why can't we all just smoke the piss pipe?
Dhobi Wank-a-noob: Are you threatening me?
Luke Sky Naukar: You aren't Cornholio, you low caste dhobi
Chewbaba: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Chaddhi knight! Eat my skorts, turdburger.

Maybe its time to convert this into a Pootube clip :-O

Glossary:

Dhobi: Washerman
Naukar: Servant
Sadhu: Hindu Mystic

U Femme Is M?

2008-05-19T20:48:00.008+08:00

Dang! The traffic to this site has slowed down to a trickle. Not that it matters, considering how many web advertising programs have this blog blacklisted for a variety of reasons, including our focus on gritty journalism, a consistent publishing schedule, and some groundbreaking efforts in Photoshopping.

I hereby present exhibit A.
Which is our only exhibit for today.
That rhymed
Well timed
Sing-clap-dance-rap away!

You might recognize her as Manisha Koirala, the 80 year old Nepalese ape-woman who announces a new romantic relationship to whoever's listening every 12-18 months.
Some find her hot. Scientists have proven this is because despite the bazillion years of evolution, our primal sexual instinct to mate with a Himalayan ape just cannot be curbed. Which is also why Yetis are petrified of humans.

You're on the blog that says Manisha Koirala is a euphemism for Maneater Gorilla!
Prof. Cow Tse Tung will now accept the English Language chair at Ox_fjord University.

Koontz

2008-02-17T12:52:00.010+09:00

Jane Fonda said CUNT on American TV. WOW. Breaking news.

I say the word CUNT twenty times a day in the hope that some pitiful excuse of a media-person would hear it and make me infamous too. I even change the pronunciation to KOONT (giving it a Scottish - or is it Irish twist?), but I'm still a poor little anony-mouse.

Anyway, flashback time. Y'know kids, everything I learned about mismanagement was at the workplace. So much for trying to shove a management text by a dude called KOONTZ in my face. Cunnilingus just wasn't my thing at age 3, being the innocent, celibate child prodigy that I was. Fecking koontz.

On a brighter note, here's a trio of Bollywood, koontz I wouldn't mind uh...how zoo we zay eet...le "doing".

L to R: Padma Lakshmi, Meera Gandhi, Queenie Dhody

Now, let me think about this rationally - would I really want to touch any of these bitches?

Padma Lakshmi:
Pros: Tall, dusky, graceful(who cares about graceful? huh!? Not me!)
Cons: She slept with Salman Rushdie, that circumsized Muslim-in-denial. Actually, that might be a plus point, since Rushdie got done for slandering Islam.
Result: Yes, yes!
Padma Lakshmi
Zillion times Fucksme.

Meera Gandhi:
Pros: Is a humanitarian, diplomat, businesswoman and mother, and has Irish blood.
Cons: Defines herself as a "humanitarian, diplomat, businesswoman, MOTHER". Pompous bitch.
Mother? Some would find that incredibly arousing, but I, oh giver of life, am not Oedipus.

Yes, its a Richmond moment. Luckily, Katherine Parkinson is on hand for uh..ehh...a..handjob. *sobs* Yes, I confess, I have a massive thing (that came out wrong) for Katherine. Mmmmmm.

Result: Coming back to Meera Gandhi, she worries me. First she buys Ellen-whore Roosevelt's house, then she says she's a human-eatarian. I'm worried she might eat me and then buy my little slum dwelling on my demise. A big fat NO to you, darling.

Queenie Dhody:
Pros: Uh, what? Okay, okay - lets be nice - has a decent plastic body and doesn't deflate as easily as my inflatable sex doll.
Cons: Is a Page 3 socialite, is always in the news for doing nothing, is publicity-hungry, has driven her husband (or is it ex-husband) to near-bankruptcy, is a potential carrier of new strains of venereal diseases (STD for you illiterate ones), has SIDELOCKS/SIDEBURNS that dwarf mine!!

Result: If you want to go bankrupt, funding an egomaniac's multiple plastic surgeries, lavish bashes, bribes to ensure page 3 write-ups feature her, AND trying to find a doctor that can cure that nasty rash down there, this woman is your perfect match.

Lunch time, koontz.

Bollywood 101 Series - How to Bake A Bollywood Flick Click

2008-02-10T23:24:00.000+09:00

Whale come, dolphin come, and of course, I cum when I shouldn't. So, to finance a cure for my youknowwhatdysfunction , by means of a trip to a nasal delivery technology clinic, I have returned from ze dead to give ze masses ze discourse on ze Bollywood. Got a problem with me "ze"'s? Up zeur azz. Les Bebe.

Before I start, I bow down to this Shaolin monk, who I now deem as my spiritual, martial and technological master. All hail Mobile Lama.

SIFU!
Injuns, please don't pronounce this as "seafood" or mistake the gentleman for a yellow fish as it is critical that this man be kept alive.
I know what you're thinking - Lamas with mobiles - not great publicity for a religion that preaches detachment from materialism. Anyway, he was calling to tell me that I couldn't walk around Australia passing snide remarks and abusing people in Hindi, because more and more people were learning the language. Why me? :-(

Lesion 1: How to make a Bollywood flick click
So, my Hindi-challenged amigos and amigas, I have decided to share my trade analcyst's perspective of Bollywood, so we could make a profiterole. Y'know what I'm saying nigger? We could bake Bollywood hits man. Forget "building blocks" - we play with dough, like the cash money type.

1) An actor with the surname "Khan" or "Kapoor". Have you ever seen a Saluja or a Kumarathalingam or a Krisnamooteenineholes become a Bollywood superstar? Neither have I
2) Two minute dream sequence in Switzerland, Australia, or the US of A, that took you 15 days to shoot. Its not just a question of perfection - the cast and crew have to shop for the extended family, acclimatize to the hostile environs of say Berne or Brisbane etc. The producer (nameless Mumbai underworld don) is footing the bill after all.
3) "Three is a magic number". Hence the hero and his two best friends make up the coolest, most self-sufficient (who needs a girl when you can have two boys?) funkiest trio across the planet, setting an infinite number of metropolitans ablaze with their boardroom maneuvering by day and party-animal antics by night.

4) Four nasty, badly choreographed fight sequences, with the first one ending in our hero being defeated. He then goes and tries to get India's best martial arts expert, who has now renounced fighting to take up a job as a female impersonator, to train him.

The expert refuses, yet agrees once our hero offers to perform fellatio on him. Sort of plagiarized from "Team America, World Police" and "The Prodigal Son". In the final fight scene, our hero redeems himself and saves the universe from imminent destruction at the hands of ancient Hinjew space-demons. Erich Von Daniken be damned.
5) Five stray canine vagabonds, with a leader called "Moti" [as in "fatass" not "pearl"], a dog that puts my canine idol, Brian from Family Guy to shame when it comes to intellectual pursuits and superhuman exploits.

6) Six degrees of separation from music, rhythm, and lyrical beauty! Yes, six shitty songs/song-n-dance sequences...
...of which 3 songs are plagiarized from Western hits, and 1 from an Arabic hit. The remaining two are random sequences generated by the music director's two year old son on Fruity Loops, and are sung in a high-pitched voice by any of Bollywood's stable roster of...
7) Seven playback singers! Features a couple of siblings, none linked to the Seven Sisters myth.
8) Eight years of self-imposed exile - the hero leaves home after a quarrel with daddy dearest, promising to carve his own destiny et al. Yes, even the worst, most commercial of movies requires a subtle moral message - in a country that is synonymous with corruption and nepotism, taking the hard route might seem a tad idiotic. But our souls will be saved by Bollywood's timely intervention.
Optional Ingredients:
a) An ever-obedient servant, named "Ramu", who not only replaces the butler, but is an excellent substitute for a filthy male prostitute. Y'know, just the way the British royals conduct their *cough* affairs.
b) A gay director or producer. To give it that feminine touch. So the average woman will relate to the flick. 'Coz no self-respecting heterosexual male watches Bollywood flicks. Women directors could do it, but they're too busy making boring, feminist documentaries.
c) Who could forget a villain, reminiscent of some of history's most notorious megalomaniacs who speaks in third person and spurts some of the most hard-hitting dialog with hints of neo-philosophy, nihilism and whatever the else makes people who read philosophy think they're better, yet unhappier than the average human.
Exhibit 1: Dong Kabhi Rong Nahin Hota, Rong To Tum Ho Gaye Ho (translates to "Dong ever wrong never, Wrong you is being")

Exhibit 2: Mogambo Khush Hua (translates to "Mogambo Happy Being")
Notice the focus on "being", the belief in self, and the like.
d) Finally, an "item number" (i.e. soft porn sequence set to porn groove interspersed with supposedly sexy Hindi lyrics), featuring a rising soft-porn starlet. Rakhi, the Idiot Savant is a great case in example.

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You're on the blog that asks whether "pinni" is but Indian cookie dough?!

Shoaib Fagthar and Shah Rukh Khan Profess Their Undying Love...

2007-12-30T22:03:00.000+09:00

Righto, so, what have we here? Shoaib Akhtar, Porkistani cricketer, and erstwhile heterosexual playboy now likes the boys? Well, at least he didn't end up picking someone as blatantly, obviously straight as...lets see...

SHAH RUKH QUEEN!

You really have a death wish, don't you Shoaib? Do you realize how many cocks that ass has been exposed to? Anyway, at least Shah Rukh is finally into REAL men. Eat your heart out, Karan Johar (aka Karen Jo in Indian gay circles).

You're on the blog that asks why the chant "I'm a rainbow too" hasn't caught on in the gay community as a coming-out catch-phrase!?!

Nach Baliye - We Are Not Dancing With The Sitars

2007-12-25T14:18:00.000+09:00

Most of my reading these days involves Sun Tzu, The Callgirls Toplist and the like, because y'know, I'm a macho, globe-trotting corporate warrior and shit. Anyway, so I ended up clicking this link to an article about "Nach Baliye", from one of the feeds on this blog, and behold! I am now one of the lucky few who have been exposed to the wonders of this "Dancing With The Stars" themed show, with fabulous dance routines and costumes that make the most flamboyant of drag queens seem like Mother Teresa.

Rakhi Sawant might not be great at her makeup, but her partner sure has learnt a few tricks off her. And, I am greatly distressed here - Rakhi is CLOTHED! That's bullshit man. I want my money back.

Y'know, men get a bad name for being obsessed with boobs. What about chicks who stare at other chicks' boobies? No, that's so moral. I agree. There's nothing hotter than a hot chick that likes chicks. Long live dusky, pretty Bollywood lesbians.

The dignified lady in red seems to be asking something of the Caucasian gentleman to her right...

Yes, that's Salman Khan at the extreme right. He seems to have been watching a lot of Scrubs, since he's started calling all these new kids girlie names. I don't know or care who the other two turds are. What I do care about is the new Speed Racer movie, which is out in 2008. Woohoo! What can I say about the costumes? The guy's wearing a shiny, satin pair of trackpants, with a shiny silver stripe for heaven's sake.

I bet you didn't realize currypuffs had Christmas costumes too. Merry Christmas, amigos.

After all those eyesores, there was yummy mummy Pooja Bedi to soothe my eyes. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Doogie Likes It Doggystyle

2007-12-25T11:52:00.000+09:00

I've googled it, and after all these months no gossip queen has used this witty, and mind-bending (pun intended; does one even exist here?) headline. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris is gay, and I think its great. Because now I can make all those Doogie-doggy jokes I've held out on for all these decades. A burden has been lifted. Takes me back to Time Magazine's Busta Rhymes arrest report, "Busta Busted", "Busted Crimes", "Busta Crimes".

Also, it makes his role in Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle all the more humorous. Why? 'Coz, the guy doesn't even like pussy. Ah, sarcasm, thy name be Neil Patrick Harris.

Anyway, what did you expect after NPH was caught in compromosing positions with male castmates, such as this:

Urmila Has An Eye (FOR/AND) a Timepiece

2007-12-25T11:19:00.000+09:00

Labor-leisure theory is a farce. The more cents per hour they give me, the greater is my workload. Strategic management? What's that. Star cows - you're the cash cows - more milk, less grazing, less sleep, consistent output. Management is for Peter Drucker.

Anyhoo, we aren't here to discuss corporate philosophy and whine and bitch and moan. Instead, we are here to poke fun at Urmila Mutt-on-car's fashion sense.

I mean, what were you thinking? First, you have a "pendant" that's straight out of a Morris Day and the Time live set, and then you make a necklace out of King Kong's left eyeball? Must be "Jungle Love". HAHAHA. I crack myself up. Not. These subtle references to pop culture, which I won't even understand in a couple of months, when I visit my blog as a visitor...shame on me.

Anyway kids, as Jay and Silent Bob say, "its the Motherfucking TIME"! Merry Christmas ;-)

Engrish Is My Eleventh Language

2007-09-04T13:14:00.000+08:00

1+1 isn't always 2, as evidenced below. Y'know, ever so often I try so hard to come across as a funny cunt, that more often than not, I fail. Miserably. I bow down to the brilliant mind that comes up with one liners like the ones below. I mean, how do I compete against this...

Ayesha Takia is escalated after signing ‘Kajri’ opposite Aamir Khan.

Dino shared, “I started the evening with some champagne and strawberries and after the meal I had some quixotic dessert, a nice molten chocolate cake and a cappuccino.”

Join Us

You think you you can do better than why not join us. Time and Passion are a Must Have creditencials.

C'mon, surely you can have a call-to-arms proofread prior to publication. Turdburgers.

My quixotic dessert leaves me in a molten, escalated state. The person dealing with the IT issue doesn't have the creditencials to score the debt.

Tintin Doggiestyles Nikki Aneja

2007-06-03T17:43:00.000+08:00

I was a huge Tintin and Snowy fan as a child. I think I've read all but 4 of the Tintins ever released.

So, it makes my heart swell with pride when I see quality, family-friendly Indian entertainment, despite growing immorality across the globe, with inspiration (however warped) drawn from (Herge's, as in this case) masterpiece comic series.

I mean, check this out. Indian Tintin clone with a Snowy hangover, dressed in discarded fabric from a refurbished sofa that belonged to his great-grandmother, with the deftest, most stylish highlighted hair you are ever to see. He's doing something evil to Nikki Aneja, who used to be a real hottie, until she decided to dress solely in fugly, boring Indian outfits, and star in nonsensical television serials about family feuds, extramarital affairs and black magic.

That dude is the antithesis of coolness. What's a MILF like Nikki doing with him? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

You're on the blog that asks...what's with this sindoor shit? I mean, its like marking your prey. Analogically represents a virgin's bleeding vagina. Shameful practice. Nothing religious about it.

Gay Bollywood Revisited

2007-04-22T19:32:00.000+08:00

Just a quick "filler" post until our next dissection...

Yesteryear actor, Feroze Khan, daddy to druggieboy, Fardeen Khan shares his dark secret with Bollywood transvestite Bobby Darling.

Uday Chopra and Tanisha, sharing a girlie moment and makeup.

Shahid Kapur trying to become a pole-dancer like his boyfriend, Kareena Kapoor.

You're on the blog that asks, "Will Salman Khan and Viveik Oberoi invite Aishwarya Rai to their respective weddings?"

Bollywood Stars Making It Big In Hollywood

2007-04-06T20:57:00.000+08:00

Spent Good Friday being a Bad Dog, "trekking" warez sites for pirated VSTi's. I want Ethnosphere and Swarplug (full versions) and I don't want to pay a cent for them.

Rumor is that Rakhi Sawant is two plastic surgeries away from a title role in a Hollywood biopic about Amanda Lepore. Great going, bimbo. Another one for the Plastique Fantastique collection.

Is this the first time a currymuncher is playing the lead in a Hollywood film NOT made by an Indian filmmaker? Nah. How could you forget Hrundi Bakshi of Gunga Din fame?
Not a Peter Sellers fan, I guess.

Then there was Amrish Puri, who ended up becoming Jean Luc Pickled instead of Jean Luc Picard, losing out to his whiter skinned nemesis only in the final audition, when they realized that the saleability of an Indian (an INDIAN?) space pioneer/leader was doomed from the outset. Live Long and Phosphorus. Poisoning. Fucking racists.

And Kareena Kapoor. How could I forget Kareena. The "queen" of Bollywood. As in, the drag queen. Being an Amazonian warrior princess is one thing, but it takes a lot of effort for a real woman to end up looking like a transsexual, and Kareena seems to have a flair for pulling off reverse gender illusion a little too often for my comfort. Anyway, yeah, so Kareena is now Kar"Xena" Kapoor, following in Lucy (F)Lawless' footsteps. Almost. Kiss a Gabrielle lookalike, c'mon!

You're on the blog that asks "What's the likelihood of Shri Krishna being the patron saint of the Blue Man Group?"

Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna
Krishna, Krishna
Hare, Hare.
Hare Rama, Hare Rama,
Rama, Rama
Hare, Hare

Is It A Friendship Band...Is It A Miniskirt...Is It A Semi-Naked Bollywood Slut...

2007-03-26T19:45:00.000+08:00

Theory one: Storm outside+bored superbrain== brainstorm time.

I often wonder why dozens of currymunchers just *have* to include the following terms in their blog titles:

RAMBLING
THOUGHTS
GREAT
DEMENTED
EVIL

I'd list more, but I value my sanity.

Pessimistic, head-fucked fuckers.
Okay, I'm done.

Anyhoo, so, on to today's non-issue. When I was a young calf, all I wanted was a "karra".

The steel bangle which is symbolic of strength, unity and bondage.

Great alternative to steel claws. I mean, as a school-kid, you want a decent weapon, right? But, you don't want to be killing or maiming people (unless you're a teenaged American psycho). You just wanna knock them out enough for the hottest chick in your class to recognize you as the alpha male, which of course, means you get to touch her without being done for sexual assault.

Which reminds me, lately, I hear of all these female teachers giving their students blow-jobs and the like. WTF mate. The only blows I ever received were on my ass, with solid wooden rulers, as punishment for something or the other. Why couldn't I have sexy nymphomaniacs who lusted me as teachers? Huh, huh?? Life's unfair.

Yeah, so I was saying, these days, school-kids don't want karras - no sir - but they wear these stupid pieces of waste rubber that companies probably sell for 5 odd bucks, branding them as "friendship bands". What a load of crock. I bet I could carve a friendship band out of a used condom. It'd be a great way to tell a chick that I lust her, wouldn't it? Maybe not. HEY! C'mon! Surely, I can't just toss away an expensive Durex condom after just one use.

Always Recycle.

Anyway, the key issue was not wearing friendship bands on your wrists, but on your waists. I mean, just look at Mallika Share_A_Wart here.

Shrunken, food-deprived Mallika wearing her friendship band on her size zero waist. I don't get it. What's so hot about a 35 year old anorexic slut dressed up as a 12 year old girl?

Give me evergreen teen/ambisexual Preity Zinta being felt up by closet lesbian granny and ugly Bollywood actress, Rekha any damn day.

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Harvey Weinstein and Baby Einstein. Someone at Disney reckons they're substitute goods.

Corny fuckers and lousy economists.

Anand In The John, and Jilted Basu Because of Kilted Gaybraham

2007-03-18T15:06:00.000+09:00

Being an ad-free Bollywood weblog - because I put creativity before profitability - you don't see any advertisements interfering with your erratic dose of trivia, gossip, fake news, and the like, straight from a true-blue Bollywood lover's heart.

Lately, there has been a surge in rumors of Yahoo not accepting my application to join their context-sensitive advertising program because of how profane and inane this blog is, or even about Google booting me off the Adsense program because of prohibited activities like fraudulent clicks and trying to seduce their female executives. I categorically deny both of these allegations. The clicks aren't fraudulent. I genuinely "make" them myself!. As far as the female executives are concerned, what can I say? I guess I'm irresistible.

Coming to the crux of the matter, when will these corporate types grow up? All these big internet companies are merely jealous of my business model and wish they could be as profitable as I was. Only goes to remind me of the time I was ostracized by the other kids in the playground because I owned a red Ferrari whilst they had to make do with rickety old hand-me-down tricycles. How petty.

News stories that I thought were of interest, in the week gone by...

Indian fashion designer, Anand Jon is in jail over alleged sexual assault. Why I find this story so hard to believe is because he is one man who can have any bitch he wants. So, a VERY dodgy arrest, as far as I'm concerned. Chicks crave to sleep with this guy in quest of future fame and fortune. I know he's been exposed to assault charges before, but, in both instances, I have serious doubts over the validity of the charges.

What's even more annoying is the emergence of a "friend" who casts some serious doubt over Anand's celebrity status and morality. She's obviously a firm believer in the old adage, "a friend in need is a friend indeed". I wish I could sit on her face and Cow Tse DUNG it. Death to the two pence get-rich-quick whore who thinks she's an instant lottery winner. All gold-diggers must die, bar the ones in valid employment of mining companies.

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In other news, Bollywood actress and former model Bitchasha Basu reckons that her boyfriend, John Abraham, made it big in Bollywood without a Doggfather.

Now, as Snoop Dogg's publicity agent, and a die-hard proponent of Christzenity, I find that really offensive because Johnny's a good Christzen, and all good Christzens should be humble enough to attribute all success to the Doggfather, even as they hold themselves liable for all failures.

So what is a Christzen? A Christzen is a Christian who practices Zen Buddhism, but of course, and thinks s/he's an ascended being. Christ! What nonsense. Its like saying, "look ma, I'm levititititittating" when all you are is high on your own supply. Don't ask me what the phrase means - I just stole it off an Apollo 440 album name. Yeah, so Christzenity. Big religion for these celebrities. Just like Sciencefictiontology. Why? Because they can go around town proclaiming themselves to be the next incarnation of Buddha. Enlightened avatars. Damn Buddhism. Try being a Christian and doing that. Sooner than you can blurt "I'm Jebus", the Holly Pope, huge fan of the X-mas season and spiritual leader of Ronin (we're talking Japanese religion, remember?) Catholics, will fly straight down to sodomize you in person for indulging in blasphemy. And you can't even complain of sexual abuse in this case, because you clearly asked for it (we all know that Catholic priests won't let go too easily of opportunities like that, don't we?!!)

Okay, enough with the theological meanderings for today. So I was saying, since the Bitch has offended the Dogg, we've decided to post pictures of John dating back to the time when he was a collared, Tartan miniskirt-wearing fetishist in some Western country and wasn't controlled by fat-assed Bipasha. Instead, his breast-grabbing boyfriend seems to be as anorexic as he was, from what I can see of the picture.

Eat your heart out, Bitchasha babby. Question his sexuality like his fans and visitors from Google to this blog do.

If that puts you off crossdressing Bollywood stars exposing their midriffs, here's one for all you Shah Rukh Khan fans, especially ones who reckon he's very "metrosexual". (I can't remember who's blog I stole this off, or I'd give due attribution)

If that's meant to be sexy, I'm going celibate.

Why Arun Nayar MD, Should Be Pissed Off...

2007-03-11T16:21:00.000+09:00

This is Dr Arun Nayar, from Columbus Community Hospital. Probably a well-respected medical professional with a good standing in his local community.

His namesake though, is a sleazy Oxford graduate (aren't they all?) and a fake software and Internet entrepreneur, who's married one of my fantasy sex partners, Elizabeth Hurley. Being upset over this unfortunate event, my nobleness knew no bounds, and I was forced to character-assassinate the "other" Arun Nayar. I think I have hence made a lifelong friend in Hugh Grant, who, besides the non-transvestite Liz Hurley, shares an avid love of real transvestites with me.

Just look at this screenshot of the "other" Arun Nayar's company website, and you'll agree with my fantastic reasoning abilities.

The logo was designed by none other than Liz Hurley's 4 year old, Damian. How enterprising. Just like papa, Steve "Bing" Laden. And what in fuck's name is a blonde, Caucasian chick doing on an Indian company's website? Trying to appease opponents of outsourcing? I have hence conclusively proved that this Nayar dude is a smart cookie (his momma named him MacAroon, HELLO), but is neither honest nor decent.

So, as I was saying, Liz Hurley and MacAroon Nayar exchanged vows for the second time in Nayar's native India, and a certain Page 3 socialite from Mumbai, Parmeshwar Godrej, hosted a party for them. Now, photographic rights to the wedding were given to either People or Hello magazine, and I really don't care which one of the two it was, because I'm not an insomniac and don't need these remedies as yet.

As such, I have to confess that the picture you see is not of the Arun Nayar-Elizabeth Hurley wedding in Jodhpur, India, but does feature them in traditional Indian costumes (sherwani and saree). Costumes for this wedding were to be designed by none other than gay Indian fashion designer, Rohit Bal, who annoys me more than other gay Indian fashion designers like Mannish Malhotra, who's anything but mannish. What a silly name to give an effeminate child. YAWN.
Like I always say, "where's Ritu with big Berries when you need her MOST?" Mugatu of Zoolander fame misquotes, "that Ritu's so hot right now".

--------------------------

Celebrity-obsessed netizens across the planet are in a Parmeshwar frenzy. Who is this Godrej person?

This is Parmeshwar Godrej. With lesser known celeb, Richard Gere.

When you have a billion dollar bank balance and a unisex name like Parmeshwar, I guess its alright to be androgynous. Deceptively ~~androgynous~~masculine to the extent that pansyboys like the very attractive Richard Gere mistake you for a macho stud. One would think Parmeshwar's lipstick gave her away, but y'never know with Mr. Ger(e)bil lover. Maybe he's into dominant, gay partners with just a slight touch of femininity. You might ask where he sees the last trait in Parmeshwar Godrej, but that's not a question I can answer, coz I'm neither his brain nor his dick. Until next time...pee happy.

"Laurens" of Arabia

2007-03-03T21:52:00.000+09:00

It probably comes across in the last couple of posts that lately, frustration's gotten the better of me and the posts are bordering on the vicious, rather than satirical. Maybe I'm sick of catering to the stooges. I mean, c'mon, a Bollywood blog doesn't have to be constantly dumbed down for the dork populace of our planet. I always aim to spread useless knowledge using Bollywood to camouflage the same, but lately, subversion seems to be a failing tactic.

I digress. Lets go off and take a short break from regular proceedings and check out Arab babes who'll give you as much of a high as petroleum-sniffing does. What an analogy. I should be flogged.

First up, we have Aisha Qaddafi. You gotta love a dictator's peroxide blonde bombshell of a daughter.

They don't call her the Claudia Schiffer of North Africa for nothing. And what's better, she is a qualified lawyer who was on my idol, the late Saddam Hussein's defense team. Drooooooooooooooooooooool.

Then there's this other Arab chick, singer Madeleine Matar, ...

who, as far as I'm concerned, is almost at par with Indian supermodel Rajlaxmi in terms of sex appeal and hair color...

...Isn't she a beauty? Anyway, so I don't know why, but a lot of these Arab chicas end up looking like transvestites - maybe its all these gay makeup artistes, trying to make real women look like drag divas. Add a strap-on to the mix, and what have you but a feminine faux gayboy.

Please note, Madeleine Matar's website says "I love you all", where "all" is a nom de plume for none other than the venerable DJ Cow Tse Tung. Don't be jealous - I have that effect on Arab camels and women.

Finally, Zoya Sakr (sucker??), sometime beauty queen and now media/corporate communications hotshot.

Saucy Zoya. Zoya Sauce. I'm on a diet - but sex is exercise. If you need more pictures to jack off to, head over to Arabic Celebrities.

Afrika Bambaataa is Amitabh Bachchan's Stylist

2007-03-03T20:58:00.000+09:00

Yes, 'tis true. "True dat", even.

Electro-hip-hop pioneer, Afrika Bambaataa (whose only track I can recall at the moment is Agharta, City of Shamballa) was once hired by Bollywood legend, Amitabh Bachchan to revamp his wardrobe. The end results are for all and sundry to view...

The design...

The creator... (not Brahma)

Honorable mention:
Bappi Lahiri, Bollywood plagiarizer par excellence, and human Christmas tree. On the positive side, the dude recycles his tinsel and holly. How cute.

On another note, I think Bambaataa and Bachchan take Agharta a bit too seriously. No worries - I mean, even I have some pretty twisted fantasies - but nothing like walking around town in a King Tut mask, and a cape or kurta made out of silk sarees.

Song I'm listening to right now? NOT (give it a rest, Borat lovers)
R.E.M.'s "Shiny Happy People"...

On Gorilla Marketing/Bollywood Gorillas and Chimps Making Out With Britney Spears

2007-02-24T03:42:00.000+09:00

Hola hombre. I'm just speaking Spanish (and I'm really not) because I've decided to release a Latintronica track tentatively called "El Stupido: Los Indios Idiotas", after being inspired by my own stupidity that knows no bounds, besides, of course, Nortec musico. Anyway, on to more pressing issues. BASTARD (Bollywood Actors' Sovereign Trade And Raid Department), an industry body that claims to safeguard the interests of Bollywood act-whores is conducting an investigation into the use of apes who've, umm, 'aped' certain Bollywood actors by way of plastic surgery, and are now replacing them in Bollywood movies. While this has meant lower production costs, hence enabling Bollywood to produce more shitty movies per capita per annum, it has meant falling incomes for revered Bollywood veterans like Anal Kapoor, Yuck-shay Kumar, and Jack-Me Shroff, who no longer have age on their side.

No. I'm not drunk, and I'm definitely not confusing Planet of the Grapes (I missed my Alcoholic Synonymous meeting yet again) with Planet of the Apes. Others (not the ones from the hit TV series, Lost) are claiming that this is but a ploy, or Gorilla Marketing [1], to use MBA-style marketing jargon, to tap in to mankind's newfound love for the environment (as is evident from an increased coverage of global warming in the media these days).

And finally, I want you to take a long hard look at this news item...

Chimpanzees in Senegal have been observed making and using Britney Spears to hunt other primates, according to a study in the journal Current Biology.

All I gotta say is that these are some smart fuckers. Scarecrow Spears is the newest weapon of mass destruction.

Glossary/References etc...

[1]. Gorilla Marketing - ape-style hardsell. Makes serene cows like me go bananas. Somebody, slap me. I'm a walking talking cliche`.

I'm gonna kinda cut this post short, 'coz its been lying around as a draft for weeks now...so, I'm bored with re-reading my own bullcrap. Lets do something new...

Anjaliji Ki Pasand (Angela G's Pick) - Arjun Ram-Balls

2007-02-19T19:01:00.000+09:00

Ancient Chinese proverb say eco-friendly person act on poplar demand.

First things first. There's a couple of nice new Bollywood blogs that are way more active, and I hate saying, a tad funnier/respectable. *sobs*.

Do check them out. Or I'd be happy to do a feature on you. OOOoooooooOOOOooooooo.

As is cowmon (notice the rasta connection, cow-M O N, rasta MON) knowledge in Bollywood these days, His Lowness, the venereal Cow Tse Tung is, in wog parlance, a fully sick bodybuilder. Part of my fitness regime includes the intake of this super-herbal-drug (herbal drug! mmmm, salvia salivating), called Horny Goat Weed. It gives you the virility of a horny goat, and the calm demeanor of a weed-wielding hippie. Almost like Weed Willie Winkie, y'know.

So how's that linked to Bollywood, you might ask. Well, you ignoramus, son of a hippopotamus, it might shock you to know this, but former Indian supermodel, and current Bollywood actor, Arjun Ram Balls ("ram" balls, ode to horny goatweed, but of course) once trained with me at my state of the art gym. Don't believe me? He's wearing the shirt I wore to the last Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Saharanpur district.

With a cigarette in my hand...
I felt like a man (remember the public service ad on Zee TV?)

Now, his wife, fellow former Indian supermodel, Mehr Jessia comes across as a pleasant woman generally. But, I can bet you never saw THIS side of her. Her middle name is Peta, as in PETA. I kid you not.

Yeah, when life's a bitch and so is your wife, you want to make sure you get under her skin. But since we're not skin-shedding snakes (unless you believe in bloody David Icke), we have to make do with wearing her clothes. Don't ask me to get into the nitty-gritties. Ask Arjun, the autogynephiliac (yeah, laugh at me - I had to Google the spelling).

La Isla Shame-ita, and Madonna-Style Fetishism

2007-02-18T22:26:00.000+09:00

Now, everyone's talking about fat and ugly Shilpa Shetty, just because some British TV turd decided to feature her on Big BOTHER, the irksome reality show featuring good for nothing dickwads trying hard to become celebs. Or, ex-celebs trying to regain their fame, and hopefully, some fortune along the way. I mean, what other show would make someone like Jade, the ugly racist Foodie famous?

So we decided to take the spotlight away from "Shrill-paw" and spastic nemesis, Jade, and focus on the supposedly bi-curious, exhibitionist, incestous sister Shetty, Shamita Shetty instead.

Now, I've always had a lot of faith in Shamita's quality upbringing and fantastic moral values. The first time I realized she was a woman of substance was when I saw her in a lesbian clinch with her sister, Shilpa. Yes, Shamita and Shilpa Shetty lesbian clinch. Does that make your mouth water yet? Nope? No worries - there's more pictorial proof aka the main course to follow, kids. Lesbian subtext, or sisterly love? Sisterly lust, more like.

So yeah, basically we had Shamita the nympho, all horny, and ready to do her sister, Shilpa who's not big on exhibitionism. Pity. Typical Bollywood movie. Just when things start heating up, you see someone as ugly as Prabhudeva pop in with twenty million and one dancers to do the Bharatnatyam and rid you of your stiffy.

Anyhoo...

Apparently, Bollywood actress and stripper Shamita takes her mum's advice on clean underwear very seriously. So when she ran out of clean underwear, and her bank account ran dry, she decided to make do without underwear altogether. Nothing wrong with not wearing panties, no sir. But the whole point is that in this G-string day and age, if you've run out of underwear, why not just use some cheap kitchen cord and a fig leaf? Heck, even our ancestors, and certain modern-day apes have that much decency and common sense.

On second thoughts, Shamita has more than just mere common sense - she has business sense. And that explains why she decided to show off her hairy punany to the world. Think about it - its a girl's dream. Offers to pose in Playboy magazine, free underwear from Victoria's Secret, free Brazilian waxing...the list goes on. Even if you're a Z grade celeb in Bollywood, you get freebies the common exhibitionist can only dream of. Now, I'm off to burn my undies and panties and the like...because Playcow magazine, here I ummm, "cum"?!!!?!!!!!!

EXTRA! EXTRA!
<<>>

More pictures to fan the "Fire" (God knows I'm good with cross-referencing) and make you wonder whether they're sisters or *boom* a hot desi lesbian couple who like coupling in public view :-| Ouch.

Some lesbian BDSM? Notice Shilpa's "collar". Sub-domme aesthetics. Ah, ah?

Another Shamita Shetty upskirt picture - just to set your imagination on *cough* FIRE!

Okay, I think its time for me to go jack off. Later, suckers.

Lesbian Chic versus Lesbian Chick!

2007-02-18T22:00:00.000+09:00

Now, over the years, I've always wondered whether Indian fashion designer, Ritu Beri, who has pretty big berries is lesbian. Reason being she's surrounded by good looking men, but never had a male partner until recently. Fake marriage, as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, as always, Indian fashion befuddles me.

Ritu is wearing slut shoes, but riding breeches, and the slut on the right is wearing riding boots, but a slutty dress. What is this? Some form of pseudo-crossdressing to confuse her clientele`? Parisian chic, or simply Lesbian F. CKing Chick? And the trenchcoat! Damn - the Uncle Fester aesthetic strikes back.

Double Dose of Bollywood Mashups (More Free Bollywood MP3s, YAYYYY!!)

2007-02-03T19:39:00.000+09:00

Here are two Bollywood mashups for all our die-hard fans, i.e. nobody. Yes, because we have no fans, these tracks are for nobody in particular.

a) Featuring the reggae-tinged Bollywood hit, from the movie Aradhana, "Roop Tera Mastana", with On-U Sound kingpin, Adrian Sherwood's Indian tinged dub track from his fabulous solo release, Never Trust A Hippy, "Hari Up Hari", DJ Cow Tse Tung and MC Rasta D'Sasta are proud to present, "Hippie Tera Mastana", featuring vocals by Bollywood playback singer and actor, Kishore Kumar. As we lack credibility, I thought we'd go for incredibility. Listen online NOW, or download free mp3.

b) The Cow Tse Tung Sound System proudly presents the next Bollywood mashup in the series, "Haal Kaisa Hai Gutbuster Ka", featuring the Asha Bhosle-Kishore Kumar hit from Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi, "Haal Kaisa Hai Janab Ka" mashed up with "Theme From Gutbuster" by the prankster bigbeat duo of Bentley Rhythm Ace, ex-Pop Will Eat Itself. Listen now, or download your MP3 copy now.

Watch the original video of Roop Tera Mastana, featuring Bollywood actor and Member of Parliament, Rajesh Khanna and Saif Ali Khan's mommy, Sharmila ~~Tug-whore~~ Tagore here.

Related Youtube video from Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi:

The Bollywood Plagiarism Soundclash, Vol 1

2007-01-28T13:21:00.000+09:00

Well, whaddya know. Rather be known as a one-trick pony [blasphemous when you're a cow], I decided to make a series of megamixes where a Bollywood "inspired" copy is followed by the original. And, being the benevolent Nandi-gaay incarnate that I am, I decided to release it on the web. Free Bollywood MP3 download. SEO, y'know...

Album:

DJ Cow Tse Tung Presents The Bollywood Plagiarism Soundclash, Vol 1

Length:

01:04:54 hrs.

Tracklist:

Tu Mile (Criminal) vs Age Of Loneliness/Carly's Song by Enigma
Bharo, Maang Meri Bharo vs Rivers of Belief (Hallelujah) by Enigma
Aao Twist Karein vs Let's Do The Twist Again by Chubby Checker
Sochna Kya Jo Bhi Hoga Dekha Jayega vs Lambada by Kaoma
Gupt Gupt (also samples the Exorcist theme) vs Deep Forest by Deep Forest
Jab Pyaar Kisi Se Hota Hai vs Born To Be Alive by Patrick Hernandez
Jab Koi Baat Bigad Jaye vs 500 Miles by the Kingston Trio
Khud Ko Kya Samajhti Hai vs 99 Red Balloons by Nena
Sexy Sexy Sexy (Khuddar) vs Boys Boys Boys by Sabrina
Sachhi Yeh Kahani Hai (also samples Rasputin by Boney M) vs In Zaire by Johnny Wakelin.

Get your copy now. Available in 160kbps MP3 (77.9mb), Ogg Vorbis (50.9mb), or 64kbps MP3 (31.2mb). Right click any of the preceding links and select "Save (Link) As" from the pop-up/context menu.

References:

Original post here.

(In)Fidel Castro, Censorship Maestro

2007-01-27T09:13:00.000+09:00

So, my fellow comrade and infidel from the good ol' Cowmmunist times, Castor (or Castro as the bitter man calls himself now) is probably on his deathbed, even as I flourish in my 90s. People ask me, WHAT is the secret to your longevity, to your sexual prowess, and I tell them to go follow the teachings of the late Cowsho Rajneesh, to read those great books by him, and listen to those fantastic lectures, and finally, watch those sexy movies of Cowsho and Western women in Indian Ashrams, practising the ultimate in Tantric sex. Cowsho inspired me to develop my populist shogun slogan:
When you are free
Even urine is ghee.
With all due respect to cousin Moorarji Desai, who actually thought urine was ghee and duly peed on his chappati/roti/naan to "save our country butter" when his goal should have been to "serve our country better". And that's how Operation Flood and Amul originated. And had record production, because the Prime Min-Pisster didn't steal half of their produce/products.

Anyway, we're a Bollywood blog, not realpolitricking Machiavelli's-in-the-making. We've covered that base back when we were toddlers. These days, we focus our energies on issues of great consequence to the world, such as Bollywood plagiarism, Bollywood goof-ups, Bollywood wannabes, Bollywood gossip and the like. Keyword density and search engine optimization, I bow down to thine power.

So yeah, after all those red herrings, back to the issue on hand. Scentsorship. Should we allow smelly Indian-hating Indians like myself into Bollywood parties? Should we drag them to the supermarket and show them the deodorant aisle? Or should we show them the ~~whore~~ door? Just kidding. You wouldn't wanna turn me away, would you? Or you'd end up on this vengeful blog, reincarnated as a...hold your breath, champ... stooge. OOO. Scary.

Censorship is great. What other excuse could someone like Sharmila ~~TheWhore~~Tagore come up with to gag someone who's sexier and smarter than her, or, alternatively, someone who has an inherent hatred for her? Sharmila, you've been an able student. Infidel Cowstro and I are proud of you.

Presenting...Safe(cracker) Ali Khan

2007-01-13T21:31:00.000+09:00

For all you people who thought Saif Ali Khan was nothing but a pansy posterboy, I finally have proof that he is more than just a pretty face. Yes kids, Bollywood actor and closeted homosexual, Safe Ali Khan is a master safe-cracker. And that pretty much explains why the Kebab of Pataudi, chevapi ruler, named his son what he did. "Safe".

Now kids, here is one man who'd takes great care of his assets. Notice the gloves that protect his dainty hands? Course you do. What you don't see in the picture is his insurance policy, which of course, only Cow Tse Tung Udderwriters could've organized for him, what with our extensive experience in income and life protection.

Isn't he so much like Charlize Theron in that Hollywood movie with a squillion Mini Coopers [no relation to Mini Kapoor], the Italian Job? Now, he even has an Italian transvestite as his girlfriend, just to ensure no one can say he doesn't have the right connexions to remake The Italian Job. Course he does. Initial discussions with my film production firm led to us finalizing a porn remake of the flick, which we decided to call The Italian Blowjob, but we ran into censor trouble, as is often the case in Bollywoof. I'm not impressed with recent media reports which have titled our production "The Shitalian Job", and will have ninja master, Ashida Kim deal with you. No, I don't know Ashida, but hey, I'm sure he offers his services for large sums of money. And money, especially Japanese Yen (JPY) grows on bonsais. That's the precise reason why the currency is as devalued as it is. I think I just came up with a new monetary theory. Anyhoo...till next time, as my friend Notch Johnson would say, "ride the big one".

Flinch, You'll Get A Fuckin' Gun Butt In Your Dutt

2006-12-10T13:17:00.000+09:00

Here, at Cow Tse Tung Centre For Terrorshits and Sundry Little Shits, we are pleased that justice has been meted out for a crime committed by a celebrity. A celebrity, yes, because in India, celebs seem to get away with murder, and not just figuratively. Kudos to the judge.

Egalite.

At the same time, we express our support for the hairless buttocked Ganjay Butt, and wish him luck for the future. A song dedicated to Mr Butt - "Dirt" by Death in Vegas.
"Flinch, you'll get a fuckin' gun butt to your gut".

Don't flinch an inch. You're the king of comebacks. We shall see you soon - stronger, and wiser. Godspeed.Yes, my friends. Someday, you Indians will experience the power of equality too. So will I, living in a predominantly Caucasian land, where subtle racism seeps through people's facades of multiculturalism every now and then. *sobs* I sound like a crybaby ABCD trying hard to reclaim/rediscover my desi roots by claiming to be marginalized by my fellow Ku Klux Klansmen, when they discover the fact that under my hood, I was not quite as White as they are. Ouch.
" Hey FOB, I identify with you, finally. Now bow down to me, you little piece of curry shit, ya first genner bastard."
Does that ring a bell, mi amigos (the amigas always get away with murder because of their assets and asses)??? *choke* The drukqs are *gulp* killing me. Save me, AFX.

Will Someone Get John Abraham Some Shaving Cream And a Razor?

2006-12-03T18:35:00.000+09:00

Y'know, one of Cow Tse Tung's pet hates is this carefully groomed "ungroomed" look. How can you have the same beard length, consistently, over a period of 20,000 years. John Abraham is in dire need of his fake girlfriend, Bipasha Basu's waxing strips, because the razor obviously doesn't work well enough for him, and neither do his facial hair grow beyond the 2mm consistency we have seen over time.

So Johnny, you either grow a fucking beard by going to a hair-transplant place and getting them to move some of your pubic forest to your face, or go for the clean-shaven look. Because you're only trying to be another Gurdas Maan here, and we both know he has more talent than you ever will in 20,000^n lifetimes.

The second issue is this Johnny-Bipasha business. Who exactly do they think they are? The desi Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? Give it a break you publicity-starved fuglies, and tell the world the truth - that your relationship is a facade!

Bipasha Schumacher

2006-11-15T22:42:00.000+08:00

Back in the day, Raj Cooper used to sing "Mera Joota Hai Japani", i.e., "My Shoe Is Japanese". Japanese shoes? MWAHAHAHAHAHA. Italian leather footwear sounds alluring. American sneakers are out of this world. But Japanese shoes? Like straw slippers? Or recycled sushi mat thongs? Give me a break Raj Blooper. Leave the shoemaking and singing to me in the future, dammit.

Anyway, in other fashion news today, I would like to draw your attention to style icon (my new favorite term for Bollywood dorks) Bipasha Basu's fantastic shoes. If you were wondering where, or who helps her pick these shoes, go no further. Jimmy Choo, Manolo Whoo?

Yes, it is me, Cow Tse Tung, shoemaker and shoe stylist to the superstars. So the next time you're after some quality footwear with a hefty tag, and out-of-this-world fashion sensibilities (in short, alien sense of style), bring your business to my little boutique. With my Midas touch, I will make you a shoelebrity. Take Bipasha Ba-shoe's word for it.

The Next (NEXT???) Great Indian Athlete Will Come From Bollywood

2006-11-08T16:42:00.000+08:00

After many years, India has finally produced some world-class athletes, in the form of this stooge and Bipasha Basu. Bisou bisou. Blip on my crotch radar Bisou.

Why didn't the Sports Authority of India think of this actor-athlete scheme before? Must I ALWAYS have to do all the smart thinking around these parts of the globe?

Anyway, foreign investment in sporting technology has been great. Kolhapuri chappals are now known to be one of the most comfortable names in high-speed jogging thongs, whatever that might be. Scientists at the Cow Tse Tung Sporting Technology Advancement and Penile Enhancement Institute have come up with aerodynamic bodysuits that will make the most hardcore of purdah-proponents seem like a latter day Gloria Steinem. We've even converted duppattas into uh, aerodynamics-enhancing dorsal fins.

Some might argue that the tight pants cramp the runner - but you tell me - how many Bollywood heroines in those tight pants do you see "cramped" or not fast enough to outrun a sexual offender? How often have you seen Govinda in tight pants complain about...well...the tightness of his pants? He still dances his way into Michael Jackson's heart every time, right? As for the loose tops, its a special mechanism to ensure their bodies can breathe. Trust us sports scientists. For once.

We've also retained the traditional bling bling of India, but added some enhancements to it, like Bluetooth headsets, for starters, so things like baton transitions don't get screwed up too much. I know this is all too boring for all you Bollywood junkies, but hey, sport is important to us currymunchers. Okay?

Budda Gudda's Failing Faculties

2006-10-11T21:34:00.000+08:00

Yo kids, that's NOT Mr. Michael Jackson, straight out of a bleach dip, alright? That's India's very own gay fashion designer, Rohit Bal(ls), a.k.a. Gudda (if my Hindi is still as perfect as it was when I used to fail the subject in school, that translates into "Ken Doll"). Imagine calling yourself "Ken Doll". More like Ken DULL. Where's my lube, Kendall?

I nudge you in your breasts, moobs, testicles, or whatever your private areas might be, and ask you, where's the creativity behind that, huh? How about trying to match me. Yeh, me, the authority on Greek mythology. Cow Tse Tung, a.k.a. Adon(k)i(e)s. That's just one of my avataras (manifestations, you illiterate twat), of course.

Anyway, where were we...Gudda. So yes, as I said, Gudda is more like a Gaydda, and Gudda don't like no Gudiyas (BARBIES). So all you desi peroxide blonde Barbies, come right into my arms, for I appreciate you, and Gudda does not. Ah, the benefits of being ambisexual.

Yo, we've gone totally off-topic today. What's new, eh? Yeh, so this guy, is like one of India's top fashion designers. And what does he go and do? He not only goes and bids for Michael Jackson's old suits, but shows up at parties wearing these ugly creations. Man, haven't you heard of suit rentals? At least you'd look half-decent that way.

I think Gudda's losing his mind. Too much gay sex, drugs and frock 'n' roll have made him age faster than that F1 Alonso kid (damn him) drives. Style icon? I wouldn't trust this wannabe-child-molester-designer with styling my pubic hair. Where's Ritu with big Beri's when I need her?

Obesity Epidemic Hits Bollywood "Hard"

2006-10-04T21:13:00.000+08:00

When I was a young *cough* warthog (yeh, my cliched opening line) , young boys and girls, including myself suffered from severe anorexia, bulimia, or in some cases, gonorrhea. Being an anorexic, I have to be one of the few dorks to have never had sex, and being a virgin, I have little idea as to how I got the dreaded gonorrhea. Remember what Freddie Mercury of Queer fame said? Too much love will kill Jews.

But who cares? Because of my STD, people reckon I'm a "playa". Anyway, this is becoming too autobiographical. What I was saying was that these days, Bollywood, Tollywood, and whatever other copycatWoods we have in the SAARC region are beginning to feel the impact of that great Hollywood blockbuster, SuperSize Me, about how American guys are increasingly making that trip to McDo-lunds (double dick, get it?) so that their nanopenises can be as big as their girlfriends or partners' 6 inch dildos, which the latter generally prefer to puny American dick.

Today, kiddos, I want you to take a good, long, hard, look at Bollywood actor, Abhishek Bachchan. What a versatile (and I don't mean in a homosexual-slang way) young man! From Teletubbyshek to AbhiShrek to Chubbyshek?

Here's a juicy story - when Rohit Balls, gay Indian fashion designer refused to let him participate in his 2006 Spring Collection show in the Pink City (Jaipur, not Gaypur) because of his weight problems, Abhishek assumed a new name, Chubbyshek, and trained hard under the guidance of my cousin, Cao Satano, and is now a well-endowed Sumo Champ, as is evident from the picture above. Notice how the flab is uniformly distributed, with his phallus growing in equal proportion to the rest of his body. Say goodbye to Cialis, Viagra, Swedish pumps, lizard ash, steroids, nasal injection treatment and shit. You want to grow your twinkie? Take a tip from Chubbyshek and the hundreds of tinseltown actors and actresses. Go on a Sumo diet. Your woman (or man) will love more of you and love you more.

The Devil Wears JayaPRADA

2006-09-20T20:49:00.000+08:00

Devil. Trident.
Shivji. Trishul.
Devil. Destroyer.
Shivji. Destroyer.
Me. Cruiser
YAY for Battleship!

Okay, on to some serious shite mites. This is yesteryear Bollywood superstar, JayaPrada, who of course, takes her name from Jaya Bachchan and the Prada house of funky fashion. Because Hollywood is so bereft of quality actors, they took our veteran heroine, and made her into an international superstar, with the release of The Devil Wears JayaPrada's Sarees. I don't need to go into the details. The picture speaks for itself, and they're enough reviews out there on the movie. So google it all, lazybones.

The Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrush

2006-09-17T09:57:00.000+08:00

Yeh, help the poor pulped guy, bimbo.

Yeh, so after this crushing defeat at the World Mooing Championships, I took to the bottle, and started watching the two movies my coach had left me, viz. :
The Crush
Blue Crush
He also left me some orange crush to drink, if I got thirsty. Yeh, really rubbed it in eh? Anyway, so as always, I got bored, and decided to tune into my pirate cable television, where I see this Bollywood news story on some rich fat bitch crushing this actor to a pulp on the dancefloor. Yeh, real blood on the dancefloor, real murder on the dancefloor. Achtung Michael Jackson and Sophie Ellis Baxter. Best thing? He was her date! Yeh, daddy bought the fat cow a date, and she thought the date was edible huh! Okay, bad pun.

Conclusion time folks - we desperately need to get these fat chicks off dancefloors man. They're like a safety hazard. By order of the Hon. Cow Tse Tung, Minister for Sinister Activities, uh, Cowropean Union?

Bollywood Transvestite Nuisances!

2006-09-17T09:46:00.000+08:00

Man, I'm all for hijra rights and shit, but this is just too much. The Bollywood slut here wants to go and get a drink, but the transvestite clutching on to her is too worried about people discovering s/he's NOT really a woman, because she has a clearly visible hard-on. HELLO! Like it isn't obvious enough you're a drag queen!

Rakhi, the Savant

2006-09-10T17:30:00.000+08:00

Man, ever since Rakhi Sawant kissed that girl, Kainaz, I have a newfound respect for her.

But this, this completely blows me! Yes, Rakhi at the International Technophobe's Technology Mela 2006, in Ropar, Punjab. She's posing with Microbesoft founder, Bill Gates' newly released book, The Toad Ahead, about how Google frogleaped Microbesoft to be the world's premier pornography search engine. Incidentally, Bill reckons Rakhi is a savant in a league of her own.

And everything falls into place now. As most bisexual, or gay celebs tend to have intellectual abilities not visible in the heterosexual populace, Rakhi's kiss with Kainaz makes perfect sense to me. So much for rumors of drugged, drunken orgies - shame on you paparazzi, trying to trash every decent intellectual trying to live her/his life by slotting them into the Kate Moss cell.

(Aeon) FLuXXX - Mardon Ka Sabun (Machoman Randy Cabbage Soap)

2006-07-10T21:33:00.000+08:00

About a year back, an Indian superstar and closeted momosexual (that's my "polite" term for "Motherfucker") decided to express his feminine side by pretending to be a dainty nymphet ridding herself of the stench of the legendary casting couch by rubbing her soft skin with Lux soap.

Then came machoman Shahrukh Khan, who showed us for once and for all who the alpha male, asli aadmi around town was - yes, ironman Shoeraxxx dipped himself in a potent mix of potash and soda, to prove he wasn't gay or feminine, just a metrosexual bisexual. Be very afraid, youth of Bomgay! The time of Lux is over, 'coz FLux is here!

PS: This post was sponsored by CTT Cowrporate Rebranding P(ot)ty. Ltd.

Sikhula in Sikhsylvania

2006-04-05T17:47:00.000+08:00

No offense meant to my Sikh brethren, but this boy's family represents the filthiest Sikh fortune out there.

Priya SuksHed, you butch girl, you sissy boy - Why do rich kids get all the hot transvestites? :-(

Mirror, Mirror on the Ball, Who is the Macho-est of Dem Ball?

2006-03-08T18:54:00.000+08:00

I always tell my son, Calf Tse Tung that a true Iron Man is an Iron Wank. Its like one of those Chinese proverbs, so don't dare question my time-testes wisdom.

Anyway, seen here are prime candididates (respects to those crazy folk at Badmash.org, and their Who Wants Some Dishoom toon) for Bollywood/Indian high-society's most macho faces - what a day to hold the competition - 'tis International WoMen's Day today. And don't you just love the camaraderie, the attitude? Mess with Anand, and her boyfriend, Parmeshwar, will smack your buttocks till you cry Naaneeee. Wanktanks.

Yes kiddies, that is the one and only Anand "I'm not in the"Jo(h)n, famous NYC fashion designer, arm in arm with his sugar daddy, Parmeshwar Godrej, who seems to have gone - umm - transsexual/FTM. Oh, and Parmeshwar dude isn't wearing a halter - its a vest, you blind bats.

Role reversal is so much fun with older bitches.

Blackouts are Back on Teli (Oily) Vision

2006-02-23T20:43:00.000+08:00

Man, we insult so many Bollywood stars on this blog, that we felt a need to balance things out by dissing some of Indian television's great actors/actresses. I know we should be covering the Vikram Chatwal-Priya Sachdev wedding, but we've slammed Queenie Dhody enough.

For example, check this babe out, who looks like an ugly dude in drag. She's even going to the "Laddies". Yes, toilets for the third gender. How progressive are we?

Don't ask me who this TV Star is, unless you want to hear the cliched "TransVestite Star" reply. And notice the marigold stuck in her cleavage. Well, the boobs are called jugs, alright, but they're no vase, bimbo.

Black looks really good on most people. But y'know kids, as daddy Tse Tung always says, money can't buy you class. You can buy Gucci chaddhis, and team them up with Tommy Hilfiger jackets, but it won't do a single good thing to your sense of style. Pedigree is paidagiri, if you know what I mean.

Man (and when I say this, I'm saying MEOW, like the uh troopers in Supertroopers, MEOW), check out this chick's ass. Its like her arse was so big that they had to get XL sized GladWrap/ClingWrap, and then run around her ass seven times, like the Saath Pherey of Hindew weddings, and then bloody sew the dress - or is it a garbage bag - around her. Disgusting. Even those earrings. They're more like 'hoopla rings'. Admit it. Supersize Meh!

And this old dude - does he not turn you ON? Those sexy women's shorts. That flubber around his stomach. That silver chain. *Sigh* I'm out of words, for once.

The next desi who says "y'all" to me is gonna get his head shoved up his daddy's ass. Y'all get that?

The Bollywood Scientist Report: Neelgai's Relish Salmon in Cans

2006-02-18T17:18:00.000+08:00

Per reports appearing in renowned Indian science journal, The Bollywood Scientist, we can prevent Neelgais from going extinct by feeding them canned salmon.

Seen here is a neelgai getting its share of premium grade Bollywood salmon, by means of slaughtering Bollywood actor, Salman Khan aka Salmon Can.

In other Neelgai and Salmon news, a court ruled against Salman Khan, when he claimed to have shot a Neelgai in self-defense, as the neelgai tried to eat his sparse hair, thinking it to be good grass (and we all know how hard it is to get good grass these days. Heck, Wubble U even samples my fellow druggie, Professor Stanley Unwin going "its difficult these days to get good grass."). Yeah bro, I don't blame the neelgai, eh...

To make things worse, Salman absented himself from court so he could grow some real grass on his head, and avoid getting his hair eaten the next time around. That Salman's such a smart lad. He's destined for a greater role in the Bombay Underworld. Karl , don't Hyde.

Mandira Bebi's Lesbian Overtures...

2006-02-11T18:53:00.000+08:00

Seen here is a woman who's famous for wearing spaghetti strap tops - Mandira Bedi. By that benchmark, I think 70% of Western women would have a potential claim to Bollywood fame.

Bebi is at Rakshanda Khan's birthday party, where she seems to be trying to seduce birthday girl Rakshanda, who has been trying really hard to prove she's not a lesbian by making all kinds of claims about the bebe/blue boy of the Indian cricket team, Irfan Pathan. I'd rather see lesbian Rakshanda wreck Mandira's marriage than watch sugar-mommy Rakshanda destroy Irfan's blooming career.

Hugging, or wrapping your arms around someone isn't a sexual sign, but when you're breathing into their ear and feeling their neck, I have my doubts.

Rakshanda knows how 'close' Mandira is to Indian cricketers - and she'd go to any length for Irfan, her Jaan, as is evident from the picture above.

Freeeeeze! I'm Ma Faker, Put Your Pants On The Hare And Gimme All Your Bunnies

2006-02-04T22:17:00.000+08:00

At first glance, (fe)rozy pictures like this scare the living daylights out of me. Look at yesteryear Bollywood star, Feroze Khan, posing in his I'm-more-evil-than-Mr._Evil look. Think about it - in a time when the Muslim offspring of Christian offspring of Jews are facing some of their toughest times on planet Earth, what does Feroze Khan go and do?

He not only gets third-grade plastic surgery done on his face so he looks more sinister than Mullah Omar and his Mama, Bin Laden, but he's also dealing cheap Afghani drugs at Page 3 do's in Mumbai! Little wonder son Fardeen Khan's a heroin addict.

Just take a look at that little green box. Its one of those new-fangled Victorinox Swiss Army ummm Boxes, which contain everything from a Black Box Recorder, to a high-frequency satellite radio transmitter, whatever that is. Yeh, that's what my "source" told me, so don't call me uninformed.

For a minute, I thought the spirit of the late Amrish Puri had possessed Uncle F(e)roze.

I'm MiKajal Jackson

2006-01-29T20:25:00.000+08:00

Just when I was fantasizing about Ajay Devgan's actress wife, thunder-thighed Kajal, dreaming of our honeymoon, and wild nights of passionate love-making and vase-breaking, what does my stupid sexretary come and do - she not only catches me in a compromising position with my portable hard drive, but she also breaks the news that our sleuths, in conjunction with forensics experts have come to the shocking conclusion that THIS indeed is American child-molester, and sometime King of Plop [he nearly dropped his baby], Michael Jackson. I am disgusted with myself. Remind me to beat up the likes of Cory Walia and Mickey Contractor - bloody makeup.

Evidence in favor of our report included the trademark hand on the crotch, badly done eyebrows, a black robe traditionally worn by the female of the species, and of course, that uncanny facial resemblance.

Other sources tell us MKaJal was moonwalking at this party - isn't THAT proof enough? Here's a close-up to convince the doubting Thomases:

What's Michael Jackson doing in Bollywood, trying to pass off as Kajal? Wasn't he supposed to be buying lingerie in Bahrain or something? Where's the Al Jeera network when you need it most?

Rooter No. 1, And A "Family Photograph" of Jeetendra's umm...Family

2006-01-29T18:30:00.000+08:00

My girlfriend, Wow Tse Tung and I often have Bollywood sex, where she tries to run away from me, but me being the male of the species, I catch up, and pin her down, firmly, only to plant a kiss on her forehead, and then get back to our exercise routine. Without trees, there would be no Hindi movies. And the physical aspect of it would explain why Mamta Kulkarni never made it big in Bollywood.

Why this is relevant is because of the fact that the piece of equipment that sexes up my network, the ubiquitous Rooter [NO ref to plumbers], is on vacation. Luckily, my lap-topless-dancer has a modem, and I finally figured out which hose waters the hole best.

My guru, Baba HaramDev told me that because of bad karma, in my next life, I will be an inanimate piece of computer equipment. All I hope for is that I'm reborn as a rooter. A lean, mean router, whose every cavity is filled with fluid love.

Anyway, we've been off topic again, so lets pay our Bollywood friends a visit.

Here's the fabulous Kapoor family. Mummy Shobha's an elephant, daddy Jumpin' Jack Jeetu is an ambassador for Svetambaras and pointy-toed boots, daughter Ektaa Kapoor could've been a successful Bollywood actress who chose to make TV serials that make me puke but are nonetheless highly successful, and beta Tushar Kapoor has the looks of my servant, Ramu, but fortune I could only dream of. God bless them. I mean it. :-O

Yeh To Khushi Ke Aansoo Hain [All Your Tears Are Belong To Joy]...

2006-01-26T11:19:00.000+08:00

I was over at DesiKartik's Bollywood orgy, when my sexretary told me, "SirJi, DesiKriti is ALIVE!". DesiKirti is ALICE, she'd typed, but my sharp brain picked up the typo straight away. Yes, I solve puzzles like that in a matter of seconds. And seconds are the only undies I will purchase, because new ones are just overpriced.

What is DesiCritics? Why would an important person like me with a fabulous sex life be worried about DesiCritics, you might ask?

Because, my secretary tells me, I spent a small fortune on getting this article on Wal-Mart ghost-written by an Indian content-writer. GO READ IT, unless you fancy death by firang squad.

As for the picture, that's Hanu-amaan Lamba, founder of DC, who was visiting me for some spiritual guidance. H.H., The Dalai Lama just doesn't cut it these days. The multi-colored boxes cover my privates, if you're wondering...

Ghai Makes A Subh_Ass of Himself, But Manages To Give Humpty Dumpty A Run For His Money

2006-01-25T19:54:00.000+08:00

I think old-time Bollywood beauty, geisha-like Rekha Aunty is trying to tell Bollywood director/producer, Uncle Subhash Ghai that he's no Mithun Punker-Bertie [not Mr. Wooster, from the PG Wodehouse classics]. If I was Subhash uncle, I would listen to Rekha-san [don't be teaching me Japanese grammar :-@], who can always tell the Real McCoy from the chappu chappantikli. She once correctly identified Queeny Dhody as -hold your breath - Queeny Dhody, when the whole world, including Mohammed Al Fayed and myself thought it was the ghost of Princess Diana's late boyfriend, Dodi Al Fayed in a dress.

Coming back to Subh_AssJi, look at those feet, those arms, those graceful movements. Such energy, such rhythm. Sch(ia)muck betey, rasta naapo. SubhassJi, I 'cordially' invite you to my toddler, Calf Tse Tung's "annual day" function at his pre-nursery school, whenever Calf-Tse Tung decides to paradrop from a StorkJet.

70% Bonus Pack:
Yes, extra doodh in today's milk packet. No tetrapaks for us Indians.
Squishy Cooper and Need-U Sing's [she needs me, and I need a sugar-momma] daughter, Riddhima Kapoor got married to this kapdewaala dude, called Bharat Sahni, Bharat Sawhney [no relation to Nitin Sawhney, my music student], and Bharat Sahani [he's Not a GUJJEW or a Bahai, yo!] in various news items. Can just one desi druggie reporter get the spelling right, for the sake of our spelling-obsessed American-Desi kiddies.

And Riddhima babby, I am disappointed. I understand that most of these Bollywood actors you had a crush on are all faggots who prefer sucking on lollipops to licking ice-cream bowls, but hey, try looking outside of Bollywood. There's me, for starters, 75% Punjabi cow, asli-ghee di chamdi, accha parivar [good pedigree], top udders, sexy tail...

Yes, back in the day, I used to sing "Riddhima's a Dancer" to the tune of Snap's "Rhythm Is A Dancer". Memories. Sigh. Riddhima Sawhney.

And then there's B-Ugh-Rat - looks more like an overfed Jat "kyon shaaney" bodyguard than a husband you'd wear on your sleeve. Nice shirt, wanktank. Who'd you steal it from? Steve Irwin? Jim Corbett?

Anyway "Ridzz" [yeah, yeah, I know how much we hate these zz suffixes, but spare a thought for ZZ Top] babby, you had your chance - now, its pretty Sonam Kapoor's turn. Mmmmmmm. SonaMmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Junkie Panda In Boobywood

2006-01-22T11:27:00.000+08:00

Seen here is sometime Bollywood star [and Bangladeshi superstar], Chunky Pandey, aka Chumpy Panty, trying to disguise himself in a panda suit, as he puffs the magic dragon. Scandalous. I'm sure no panda would ever try and disguise itself as a Chunky Lafanga when it went on doping sprees.

Do you finally understand why there is an entity called the WWF?

Addendum: Desi Critics dot orgy, from the creators of BlogCritics dot orgy is launching on Australia Day/the Indian Republic Day, the 26th of January. Do Hazaar Cheh.
All I want from you is to read my ever-brilliant posts there. And don't upset me by reading other people's crap.

Don't Stop Till You Get To Bollywood

2006-01-21T12:52:00.000+08:00

It is common knowledge that none of our content, Bollywood or otherwise is original. Ever.

Heck, I even use "our", we" and other plurals, in a feeble attempt to fool the masses into thinking this to be the work of a dozen talented minds. Yes, like a blogging supercollective, with a team boasting of the best brains in the business.

Except, that being a Harijan, no one really wants to associate with "us", and "we" are but Lone Rangers. Even Tonto ditched me. Stupid f****** dog.

So well, today...Gaonwaalon [a.k.a. Romancin' cowntrymen], CTTV presents the newest old-time mashup hit from Bollywood by Afshin Ravanbaksh and Dayheem Naderi, co-produced by Roya Shadravan[with all due respect to Michael, PuhleezeDon'tJackMySon].

Dayheem used to look like such a nerd [not that I know/knew him - I just Googled him up and found some old pics]. And look at him now...

__________________

Where is my beloved bastard-child, Calf Tse Tung?

ShoeRack Khan's Jootey Dedo, Paise Lelo Scheme

2006-01-16T19:26:00.000+08:00

Secular Bollywood superstar, Shah Rukh Khan, whom we lovingly refer to as Shah Crook or ShoeRaxxx has dived into the booming shoe-rack business in Vanuatu. Hinjdew immigrants are erecting a temple here, which means that there will be a consistent demand for shoe racks over the years, hence making Shah Rukh's business model a sustainable, and profitable one. Wish your favorite Bollywood star luck for his new venture by visiting the Vanuatu ~~Hinjew~~Hindu Temple and renting a shoe-space. Today! Opening offer - one free genuine camel-leather insole with every shoe-space booking. That's shoooeee lovely.

It is said that Bollywood marketing guru, SalesMan Khan has come up with a foolproof marketing plan for the company, using "Jootey Dede, Paise Lelo" as the slogan.
"जूते दे दो, पैसे ले लो"
Isn't that simply brilliant?

Shah Crook Khan Is Such A Knotty Boy

2006-01-14T00:25:00.000+08:00

Seen here is Bollywood superstar, actor Shah Rukh Khan, in his funky zebra suit, supposedly designed by his friend, the very campy un-Mannish Malhotra. Notice those kinky handcuffs - mmmmm. We're headed for a night of wild Schweppes Passiona drinking. And maybe some BDSM while we're at it, eh?

A related rumor has it that Shah Crook was rounded up by the Mumbai Polish Force for links to the racist Mumbai Andhra-World Association, "MAWA" and Kannada superstar, ChipmunkJeevi.

Don't forget to visit Bollywood Cowbserver for all your fake Bollywood gossip and scandal needs.

Dirty Girl Mael-Licka Sherawat To Lick The Dirt Off Your Clothing In The Eco-Friendliest Move Ever

2006-01-12T19:44:00.000+08:00

Pictured here is front-loading whooshing machine, and part-time Bollywood stripper Mallika Sherawat, suggestively putting a finger in her mouth [ever heard of intuitive DESIGN?], telling you where exactly she wants those dirty undies to go. Yes, our Mael-Lickah is gonna rid you of all that bacteria, and use her salival enzymes to give you the MOST cleanest, MOST hygienic, MOST healthiest [healthiest?] washing possible in Bollywood.

Goodbye OmoMatic.

Honorary mention: Dr. Mal [dirt] Washer, Liberal MP, whose name suggests he's gonna clean the dirty world of politics. Yeah, right.

Radioactive Queenie Dhody And Her Obese Pet

2006-01-10T19:01:00.000+08:00

First up, Cow Tse Tung say, boy writer who saying "Pretty Please" being stupid fucking maggot.

On to our style non-icons for the day...

Cow Tse Tung heart going out of leather for rich, (and sexy) cows like our thoughtful friend above- Indian designers obviously not producing plus size clothing. Imagine plight of poor laddy wearing anorexic wafer-thin waif Queenie's castaway clothing. Look at poor stomach, trying hard to rip itself out of stifling outfit, screaming for demand of fresh air, and a loser skirt.

And neon-like Queenie Dhody nee Singh - oh, her body glow, but only 'coz of uranium. Okay, Cow Tse Tung quiet now, 'coz lawyer want to sell CTT defamation suit. Can't I have Haramani or Kucci instead?

Rabideena Thanda-n Thanda-ni, Cool Down

2006-01-03T22:35:00.000+08:00

Man, just when I thought everyone in Bollywood is a boring cow, what does Raveena Tandon go and do? She not only gets up to bring her hungry, undernourished movie-producer husband, Anil Thadani some food like a true Indian biwi, but also fights his battles against ex-wife, Natasha Sippy by supposedly insulting her in public. Yes, our beloved thunder-thighs sacrificed her glass of wine, and turned a New Year's bash into a celebrity wet tee-shirt contest. Raveena's friend justifies the wine-pouring incident by saying...

Since their split, Natasha has been spreading malicious rumours about Anil. Raveena adores her husband and has been seething about the hurt and humiliation that he’s been through, courtesy Natasha’s tales. She had been waiting for an opportunity to publicly humiliate Natasha. This was just the right time.

And this when the wine was in short supply anyway. :-@ [MSN angry smiley, remember?]

So these people have reason to whine after all, don't they?

Anyway, Cow Tse Tung busy sniffing armpit right now, coz Cow Tse Tung grabbing his girlfriend and her scent rubbing off. So goodbye, until whenever we have a vision again. And Heppy New Yaar to all of you.

Will The Real Medusa Please Stand Up?

2005-12-28T22:53:00.000+08:00

Time and again, Bollywood flicks come under fire for being unrealistic. Seen here is Celina Jaitley playing Medusa in some sexed-up version of the new Bollywood biopic plagiarized from the Hollywood movie on Alexander The Great, enhanced with ancient Greek mythological characters and a merry band of singing 'n'dancing soldiers, who participate in qawwali wars against the army of Porus Punjabi.

Now, Medusa is supposed to be a scary monster, not some bikini-clad bimbo who's trying to seduce you by flashing her pint-sized boobies instead of scaring the living daylights out of you.

Cow Tse Tung demand that lady adjacent to Celina in beeg poster be instate as nu-Medusa.

The script might be lame - can we at least have decent actors, please?

Ajay Devgan Gets Mad With Bipasha Basu Over Excessive Nudity

2005-12-26T10:41:00.000+08:00

Seen here is retrogressive Bollywood actor Gadhay Devgan in one of his most famous unseen scenes, chiding Boobpasha Basu over her turning up in a sleeveless choli at a village fair, aka 'mela', which exposed her flabby arms to the lusting eyes of the gaaonwalas, and obviously affected Devgan's social standing.

Was Fardeen Khan Trying To Sneak Out (And Away From Natasha Madhvani) To The Men's To Get A Heroin Shot?

2005-12-23T20:59:00.000+08:00

Seen here is top (top? as in gay top or numero uno?) Bollywood actor and junkie, Furspleen Khan, with his ugly, anal-sex loving (read the speech bubbles mate! Freudian slips always tell the true story) wife, Natasha Mudnanny(who will turn out to be pretty eventually, once she has all that plastic surgery) at some overseas awards function for shitty commercial Bollywood actors, sponsored by starry-eyed dehati NRIs, I presume. From what our 'sources' tell us, Fardeen is grabbing his twinkie because he's trying to tell Natasha he desperately needs to go to the loo - to meet up with fellow addict, Sanju Bebe, better known as Sanjay Dutt (druggie/terrorshit) so they can binge on some quality American crack.

I honestly don't know what girls see in Fardeen. Is it the lure of free drugs? Huh? Tell me.

Aishwarya Rai Faces Unexpected Competition

2005-12-20T17:03:00.000+08:00

Does India's reigning "Badshah" Rukh Khan of Bollywood also want to become India's number one film actress? Reigning plastic queen Aishwarya Rai feels the Shah Rukh Khan heat - and she's not pleased, despite what her smiling face might tell you.

When Reel Meats Real

2005-12-16T20:05:00.000+08:00

Our Bollywood watchdog, Pillu, brother of famous Bollywood bitch from a thousand and one films, "Moti" (as in PEARL, not FATASS) Kuttiya has brought to our notice the issue of Bollywood stars being so underpaid that the actors have resorted to chewing off the excess flab from the actress' bloated stomachs.

The above picture is quite blurry, but our experts say it is Sanjay Kapoor, not Sanjay Kapur (industrialist, Karishma aunty's ex-husband), digging into Karishma Kapoor's fat. This serves a twin purpose - it saves cash and stardom-starved Sanjay some valuable pennies, even as it helps Karishma avoid coughing up lakhs of rupees in order to get a basic liposuction procedure performed. While they were at it, they decided to get Anu Malik to steal some music from some Western musician, and spice the tune up with some really meaningful lyrics.

In other news, major food multinationals, including Heinz and Kraft were said to be interested in Karishma's abundant cellulite deposits. Some people have all the luck. :-(

(Un) Saif Ali Khan Prefers Driving On Little Boys Instead Of Tarred Roads

2005-12-11T17:46:00.000+08:00

The Kebab of Pataudi, and rumored reigning queen (*cough*, I nearly said QUEER) of Bollywood, Saif Ali Khan nearly killed a young boy with his 4WD SUV in Mumbai today. To his credit, he reported himself to the cops, and was set free on the princely bail of INR 5000. That's approximately USD 108.something at current conversion rates.

Shashi Kapoor, Iron Chef?

2005-12-10T10:35:00.000+08:00

CowTT Image Consultants released the above poster to launch Tetsujin Sushi Kapoor's radical sushi bar, Albert Shinto Ka Geisha Kyoto Bar. Yeah, nice name eh?

Background: Committing professional harakiri is nothing new in the heaven of plagiarism, Bollywood. Shashi Kapoor wants to do something different with his life. After consulting with CowTT Image Consultants, LLC., Mr. Kapoor decided he would take a cue from the Iron Chef series, and become a Japanese chef.

"Bollywood Camp" Presents, Bombshell of Yesteryear, Sooji (Shashi) Kapoor!

2005-12-09T19:28:00.000+08:00

Don't you think Bollywood is a bit too campy?

Anyway.

Daddy Tse Tung always said Shashi Kapoor was one of the top Bollywood actresses of her time. After seeing this picture, I learnt never to doubt him.

When Primitive Desires Wreck Bollywood Careers...

2005-12-03T17:34:00.000+08:00

Ex-Thunder-Thighs, and Bollywood actress, Raveena Tandon, rubs her now sagging breasts against another ex-Thunder-Thighs, Tabu. What they really had on their minds is anybody's guess...or is it? :-O

The Return Of The Shapeshifting Superhero

2005-12-02T20:31:00.000+08:00

I don't know if you knew what I know, but now you do, so we're all in the know. Yes, that is Abhishrek Bachchan's Shrek manifestation/avatara.

Flavor of the Season, Abhishek Bachchan To Star in Hollywood Teletubby Project!

2005-12-01T18:27:00.000+08:00

OMG. Its Teletubbyshek Bachchan! Daddy Amitabh would be so proud.

For First Time in India! Superstar SALMON in Tin CAN!

2005-11-30T18:19:00.000+08:00

Are you pretty Indian girl who think Salman is dishiest Bollywood actor?
Are you mail fan who wannabe Salman Khan?
Well, Hindustan Macchi Company listen your needs and desire and we glad to present our brand new first-time launch in India product this fine day in November - Salmon CAN! Yes, big bite of the real Salmon, in a portable, ready-to-eat tin. Yes, even can being edible, so reducing waste. Also being relatively low-cholestrol, this product Aapke Dil Mein Rehte Hain and doesn't cause heart attacks or gonorrhea! "Eat your heart out, yaar".

Bend It Like Begum?

2005-11-29T17:47:00.000+08:00

The activist in Ila Arun(of Vote for Ghagra fame) is campaigning for a better deal for Parminder Nagra, after Kiera Knightley beat the British Indian girl to superstardom.

Okra Entertainment Proudly Presents...BHINDI-AN IDLE and SONIA NIKKAMI!

2005-11-27T23:07:00.000+08:00

Taking a cue from the Bollywood drag queens of Britain, Sonu Nigam comes out of the closet. Presenting to the world, the one and only...
SONIA NIKKAMI
"But I ain't useless".