Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Budda Gudda's Failing Faculties

Rohit Loves Balls

Yo kids, that's NOT Mr. Michael Jackson, straight out of a bleach dip, alright? That's India's very own gay fashion designer, Rohit Bal(ls), a.k.a. Gudda (if my Hindi is still as perfect as it was when I used to fail the subject in school, that translates into "Ken Doll"). Imagine calling yourself "Ken Doll". More like Ken DULL. Where's my lube, Kendall?

I nudge you in your breasts, moobs, testicles, or whatever your private areas might be, and ask you, where's the creativity behind that, huh? How about trying to match me. Yeh, me, the authority on Greek mythology. Cow Tse Tung, a.k.a. Adon(k)i(e)s. That's just one of my avataras (manifestations, you illiterate twat), of course.

Anyway, where were we...Gudda. So yes, as I said, Gudda is more like a Gaydda, and Gudda don't like no Gudiyas (BARBIES). So all you desi peroxide blonde Barbies, come right into my arms, for I appreciate you, and Gudda does not. Ah, the benefits of being ambisexual.

Yo, we've gone totally off-topic today. What's new, eh? Yeh, so this guy, is like one of India's top fashion designers. And what does he go and do? He not only goes and bids for Michael Jackson's old suits, but shows up at parties wearing these ugly creations. Man, haven't you heard of suit rentals? At least you'd look half-decent that way.

I think Gudda's losing his mind. Too much gay sex, drugs and frock 'n' roll have made him age faster than that F1 Alonso kid (damn him) drives. Style icon? I wouldn't trust this wannabe-child-molester-designer with styling my pubic hair. Where's Ritu with big Beri's when I need her?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Obesity Epidemic Hits Bollywood "Hard"

When I was a young *cough* warthog (yeh, my cliched opening line) , young boys and girls, including myself suffered from severe anorexia, bulimia, or in some cases, gonorrhea. Being an anorexic, I have to be one of the few dorks to have never had sex, and being a virgin, I have little idea as to how I got the dreaded gonorrhea. Remember what Freddie Mercury of Queer fame said? Too much love will kill Jews.

But who cares? Because of my STD, people reckon I'm a "playa". Anyway, this is becoming too autobiographical. What I was saying was that these days, Bollywood, Tollywood, and whatever other copycatWoods we have in the SAARC region are beginning to feel the impact of that great Hollywood blockbuster, SuperSize Me, about how American guys are increasingly making that trip to McDo-lunds (double dick, get it?) so that their nanopenises can be as big as their girlfriends or partners' 6 inch dildos, which the latter generally prefer to puny American dick.

Well-endowed Bollywood actor, Chubbyshek Bach Chan

Today, kiddos, I want you to take a good, long, hard, look at Bollywood actor, Abhishek Bachchan. What a versatile (and I don't mean in a homosexual-slang way) young man! From Teletubbyshek to AbhiShrek to Chubbyshek?

Here's a juicy story - when Rohit Balls, gay Indian fashion designer refused to let him participate in his 2006 Spring Collection show in the Pink City (Jaipur, not Gaypur) because of his weight problems, Abhishek assumed a new name, Chubbyshek, and trained hard under the guidance of my cousin, Cao Satano, and is now a well-endowed Sumo Champ, as is evident from the picture above. Notice how the flab is uniformly distributed, with his phallus growing in equal proportion to the rest of his body. Say goodbye to Cialis, Viagra, Swedish pumps, lizard ash, steroids, nasal injection treatment and shit. You want to grow your twinkie? Take a tip from Chubbyshek and the hundreds of tinseltown actors and actresses. Go on a Sumo diet. Your woman (or man) will love more of you and love you more.