Monday, March 26, 2007

Is It A Friendship Band...Is It A Miniskirt...Is It A Semi-Naked Bollywood Slut...

Theory one: Storm outside+bored superbrain== brainstorm time.

I often wonder why dozens of currymunchers just *have* to include the following terms in their blog titles:
  3. GREAT
  5. EVIL
I'd list more, but I value my sanity.

Pessimistic, head-fucked fuckers.
Okay, I'm done.

Anyhoo, so, on to today's non-issue. When I was a young calf, all I wanted was a "karra".
The steel bangle which is symbolic of strength, unity and bondage.

Great alternative to steel claws. I mean, as a school-kid, you want a decent weapon, right? But, you don't want to be killing or maiming people (unless you're a teenaged American psycho). You just wanna knock them out enough for the hottest chick in your class to recognize you as the alpha male, which of course, means you get to touch her without being done for sexual assault.

Which reminds me, lately, I hear of all these female teachers giving their students blow-jobs and the like. WTF mate. The only blows I ever received were on my ass, with solid wooden rulers, as punishment for something or the other. Why couldn't I have sexy nymphomaniacs who lusted me as teachers? Huh, huh?? Life's unfair.

Yeah, so I was saying, these days, school-kids don't want karras - no sir - but they wear these stupid pieces of waste rubber that companies probably sell for 5 odd bucks, branding them as "friendship bands". What a load of crock. I bet I could carve a friendship band out of a used condom. It'd be a great way to tell a chick that I lust her, wouldn't it? Maybe not. HEY! C'mon! Surely, I can't just toss away an expensive Durex condom after just one use.

Always Recycle.

Anyway, the key issue was not wearing friendship bands on your wrists, but on your waists. I mean, just look at Mallika Share_A_Wart here.

Shrunken, food-deprived Mallika wearing her friendship band on her size zero waist. I don't get it. What's so hot about a 35 year old anorexic slut dressed up as a 12 year old girl?

Give me evergreen teen/ambisexual Preity Zinta being felt up by closet lesbian granny and ugly Bollywood actress, Rekha any damn day.


Harvey Weinstein and Baby Einstein. Someone at Disney reckons they're substitute goods.

Corny fuckers and lousy economists.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Anand In The John, and Jilted Basu Because of Kilted Gaybraham

Being an ad-free Bollywood weblog - because I put creativity before profitability - you don't see any advertisements interfering with your erratic dose of trivia, gossip, fake news, and the like, straight from a true-blue Bollywood lover's heart.

Lately, there has been a surge in rumors of Yahoo not accepting my application to join their context-sensitive advertising program because of how profane and inane this blog is, or even about Google booting me off the Adsense program because of prohibited activities like fraudulent clicks and trying to seduce their female executives. I categorically deny both of these allegations. The clicks aren't fraudulent. I genuinely "make" them myself!. As far as the female executives are concerned, what can I say? I guess I'm irresistible.

Coming to the crux of the matter, when will these corporate types grow up? All these big internet companies are merely jealous of my business model and wish they could be as profitable as I was. Only goes to remind me of the time I was ostracized by the other kids in the playground because I owned a red Ferrari whilst they had to make do with rickety old hand-me-down tricycles. How petty.

News stories that I thought were of interest, in the week gone by...

Indian fashion designer, Anand Jon is in jail over alleged sexual assault. Why I find this story so hard to believe is because he is one man who can have any bitch he wants. So, a VERY dodgy arrest, as far as I'm concerned. Chicks crave to sleep with this guy in quest of future fame and fortune. I know he's been exposed to assault charges before, but, in both instances, I have serious doubts over the validity of the charges.

What's even more annoying is the emergence of a "friend" who casts some serious doubt over Anand's celebrity status and morality. She's obviously a firm believer in the old adage, "a friend in need is a friend indeed". I wish I could sit on her face and Cow Tse DUNG it. Death to the two pence get-rich-quick whore who thinks she's an instant lottery winner. All gold-diggers must die, bar the ones in valid employment of mining companies.


In other news, Bollywood actress and former model Bitchasha Basu reckons that her boyfriend, John Abraham, made it big in Bollywood without a Doggfather.

Doggfather of ChristZenity

Now, as Snoop Dogg's publicity agent, and a die-hard proponent of Christzenity, I find that really offensive because Johnny's a good Christzen, and all good Christzens should be humble enough to attribute all success to the Doggfather, even as they hold themselves liable for all failures.

So what is a Christzen? A Christzen is a Christian who practices Zen Buddhism, but of course, and thinks s/he's an ascended being. Christ! What nonsense. Its like saying, "look ma, I'm levititititittating" when all you are is high on your own supply. Don't ask me what the phrase means - I just stole it off an Apollo 440 album name. Yeah, so Christzenity. Big religion for these celebrities. Just like Sciencefictiontology. Why? Because they can go around town proclaiming themselves to be the next incarnation of Buddha. Enlightened avatars. Damn Buddhism. Try being a Christian and doing that. Sooner than you can blurt "I'm Jebus", the Holly Pope, huge fan of the X-mas season and spiritual leader of Ronin (we're talking Japanese religion, remember?) Catholics, will fly straight down to sodomize you in person for indulging in blasphemy. And you can't even complain of sexual abuse in this case, because you clearly asked for it (we all know that Catholic priests won't let go too easily of opportunities like that, don't we?!!)

Okay, enough with the theological meanderings for today. So I was saying, since the Bitch has offended the Dogg, we've decided to post pictures of John dating back to the time when he was a collared, Tartan miniskirt-wearing fetishist in some Western country and wasn't controlled by fat-assed Bipasha. Instead, his breast-grabbing boyfriend seems to be as anorexic as he was, from what I can see of the picture.

Gay John Abraham Lookalike In Tartan Miniskirt, Having His Breast Felt By His Boyfriend

Eat your heart out, Bitchasha babby. Question his sexuality like his fans and visitors from Google to this blog do.

If that puts you off crossdressing Bollywood stars exposing their midriffs, here's one for all you Shah Rukh Khan fans, especially ones who reckon he's very "metrosexual". (I can't remember who's blog I stole this off, or I'd give due attribution)

Shah Rukh Khan In A Woman's Top, Exposing His Midriff and Waxed Chest

If that's meant to be sexy, I'm going celibate.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Why Arun Nayar MD, Should Be Pissed Off...

Dr. Arun Nayar MD, Columbus Community Hospital

This is Dr Arun Nayar, from Columbus Community Hospital. Probably a well-respected medical professional with a good standing in his local community.

His namesake though, is a sleazy Oxford graduate (aren't they all?) and a fake software and Internet entrepreneur, who's married one of my fantasy sex partners, Elizabeth Hurley. Being upset over this unfortunate event, my nobleness knew no bounds, and I was forced to character-assassinate the "other" Arun Nayar. I think I have hence made a lifelong friend in Hugh Grant, who, besides the non-transvestite Liz Hurley, shares an avid love of real transvestites with me.

Just look at this screenshot of the "other" Arun Nayar's company website, and you'll agree with my fantastic reasoning abilities.

Arun Nayar's Software Company/Sweatshop

The logo was designed by none other than Liz Hurley's 4 year old, Damian. How enterprising. Just like papa, Steve "Bing" Laden. And what in fuck's name is a blonde, Caucasian chick doing on an Indian company's website? Trying to appease opponents of outsourcing? I have hence conclusively proved that this Nayar dude is a smart cookie (his momma named him MacAroon, HELLO), but is neither honest nor decent.

So, as I was saying, Liz Hurley and MacAroon Nayar exchanged vows for the second time in Nayar's native India, and a certain Page 3 socialite from Mumbai, Parmeshwar Godrej, hosted a party for them. Now, photographic rights to the wedding were given to either People or Hello magazine, and I really don't care which one of the two it was, because I'm not an insomniac and don't need these remedies as yet.

Arun Nayar and Elizabeth Hurley in Traditional Indian Costumes
As such, I have to confess that the picture you see is not of the Arun Nayar-Elizabeth Hurley wedding in Jodhpur, India, but does feature them in traditional Indian costumes (sherwani and saree). Costumes for this wedding were to be designed by none other than gay Indian fashion designer, Rohit Bal, who annoys me more than other gay Indian fashion designers like Mannish Malhotra, who's anything but mannish. What a silly name to give an effeminate child. YAWN.
Like I always say, "where's Ritu with big Berries when you need her MOST?" Mugatu of Zoolander fame misquotes, "that Ritu's so hot right now".


Celebrity-obsessed netizens across the planet are in a Parmeshwar frenzy. Who is this Godrej person?

Parmeshwar Godrej Shows Richard Gere 'Who Da Man'

This is Parmeshwar Godrej. With lesser known celeb, Richard Gere.

When you have a billion dollar bank balance and a unisex name like Parmeshwar, I guess its alright to be androgynous. Deceptively androgynousmasculine to the extent that pansyboys like the very attractive Richard Gere mistake you for a macho stud. One would think Parmeshwar's lipstick gave her away, but y'never know with Mr. Ger(e)bil lover. Maybe he's into dominant, gay partners with just a slight touch of femininity. You might ask where he sees the last trait in Parmeshwar Godrej, but that's not a question I can answer, coz I'm neither his brain nor his dick. Until next time...pee happy.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

"Laurens" of Arabia

It probably comes across in the last couple of posts that lately, frustration's gotten the better of me and the posts are bordering on the vicious, rather than satirical. Maybe I'm sick of catering to the stooges. I mean, c'mon, a Bollywood blog doesn't have to be constantly dumbed down for the dork populace of our planet. I always aim to spread useless knowledge using Bollywood to camouflage the same, but lately, subversion seems to be a failing tactic.

I digress. Lets go off and take a short break from regular proceedings and check out Arab babes who'll give you as much of a high as petroleum-sniffing does. What an analogy. I should be flogged.

First up, we have Aisha Qaddafi. You gotta love a dictator's peroxide blonde bombshell of a daughter.

Aisha Gaddafi/Qaddafi, lawyer, and Col. Gaddafi's daughterThey don't call her the Claudia Schiffer of North Africa for nothing. And what's better, she is a qualified lawyer who was on my idol, the late Saddam Hussein's defense team. Drooooooooooooooooooooool.

Madeleine Matar, Lebanese singerThen there's this other Arab chick, singer Madeleine Matar, ...

Rajlaxmi, Indian Supermodel

who, as far as I'm concerned, is almost at par with Indian supermodel Rajlaxmi in terms of sex appeal and hair color...

Madeleine Matar, Lebanese Singer

...Isn't she a beauty? Anyway, so I don't know why, but a lot of these Arab chicas end up looking like transvestites - maybe its all these gay makeup artistes, trying to make real women look like drag divas. Add a strap-on to the mix, and what have you but a feminine faux gayboy.

Please note, Madeleine Matar's website says "I love you all", where "all" is a nom de plume for none other than the venerable DJ Cow Tse Tung. Don't be jealous - I have that effect on Arab camels and women.

Zoya Sakr, Arabic beauty queen and corporate/media hotshot

Finally, Zoya Sakr (sucker??), sometime beauty queen and now media/corporate communications hotshot.

Zoya Sakr, Lebanese-Russian beauty queen and corporate communications hotshot for Al Aan TV channelSaucy Zoya. Zoya Sauce. I'm on a diet - but sex is exercise. If you need more pictures to jack off to, head over to Arabic Celebrities.

Afrika Bambaataa is Amitabh Bachchan's Stylist

Yes, 'tis true. "True dat", even.

Electro-hip-hop pioneer, Afrika Bambaataa (whose only track I can recall at the moment is Agharta, City of Shamballa) was once hired by Bollywood legend, Amitabh Bachchan to revamp his wardrobe. The end results are for all and sundry to view...

The design...

Amitabh Bambaataa

The creator... (not Brahma)
Afrika Bachchan

Honorable mention:
Bappi Lahiri, Bollywood plagiarizer par excellence, and human Christmas tree. On the positive side, the dude recycles his tinsel and holly. How cute.

On another note, I think Bambaataa and Bachchan take Agharta a bit too seriously. No worries - I mean, even I have some pretty twisted fantasies - but nothing like walking around town in a King Tut mask, and a cape or kurta made out of silk sarees.

Song I'm listening to right now? NOT (give it a rest, Borat lovers)
R.E.M.'s "Shiny Happy People"...