The Next (NEXT???) Great Indian Athlete Will Come From Bollywood

After many years, India has finally produced some world-class athletes, in the form of this stooge and Bipasha Basu. Bisou bisou. Blip on my crotch radar Bisou.

Why didn't the Sports Authority of India think of this actor-athlete scheme before? Must I ALWAYS have to do all the smart thinking around these parts of the globe?



Anyway, foreign investment in sporting technology has been great. Kolhapuri chappals are now known to be one of the most comfortable names in high-speed jogging thongs, whatever that might be. Scientists at the Cow Tse Tung Sporting Technology Advancement and Penile Enhancement Institute have come up with aerodynamic bodysuits that will make the most hardcore of purdah-proponents seem like a latter day Gloria Steinem. We've even converted duppattas into uh, aerodynamics-enhancing dorsal fins.

Some might argue that the tight pants cramp the runner - but you tell me - how many Bollywood heroines in those tight pants do you see "cramped" or not fast enough to outrun a sexual offender? How often have you seen Govinda in tight pants complain about...well...the tightness of his pants? He still dances his way into Michael Jackson's heart every time, right? As for the loose tops, its a special mechanism to ensure their bodies can breathe. Trust us sports scientists. For once.

We've also retained the traditional bling bling of India, but added some enhancements to it, like Bluetooth headsets, for starters, so things like baton transitions don't get screwed up too much. I know this is all too boring for all you Bollywood junkies, but hey, sport is important to us currymunchers. Okay?