Sunday, February 10, 2008

Bollywood 101 Series - How to Bake A Bollywood Flick Click

Whale come, dolphin come, and of course, I cum when I shouldn't. So, to finance a cure for my youknowwhatdysfunction , by means of a trip to a nasal delivery technology clinic, I have returned from ze dead to give ze masses ze discourse on ze Bollywood. Got a problem with me "ze"'s? Up zeur azz. Les Bebe.

Before I start, I bow down to this Shaolin monk, who I now deem as my spiritual, martial and technological master. All hail Mobile Lama.

All hail the Mobile Shaolin Monk

SIFU!
Injuns, please don't pronounce this as "seafood" or mistake the gentleman for a yellow fish as it is critical that this man be kept alive.
I know what you're thinking - Lamas with mobiles - not great publicity for a religion that preaches detachment from materialism. Anyway, he was calling to tell me that I couldn't walk around Australia passing snide remarks and abusing people in Hindi, because more and more people were learning the language. Why me? :-(

Lesion 1: How to make a Bollywood flick click
So, my Hindi-challenged amigos and amigas, I have decided to share my trade analcyst's perspective of Bollywood, so we could make a profiterole. Y'know what I'm saying nigger? We could bake Bollywood hits man. Forget "building blocks" - we play with dough, like the cash money type.

1) An
actor with the surname "Khan" or "Kapoor". Have you ever seen a Saluja or a Kumarathalingam or a Krisnamooteenineholes become a Bollywood superstar? Neither have I
2)
Two minute dream sequence in Switzerland, Australia, or the US of A, that took you 15 days to shoot. Its not just a question of perfection - the cast and crew have to shop for the extended family, acclimatize to the hostile environs of say Berne or Brisbane etc. The producer (nameless Mumbai underworld don) is footing the bill after all.
3) "Three is a magic number". Hence the hero and his two best friends make up the coolest, most self-sufficient (who needs a girl when you can have two boys?) funkiest trio across the planet, setting an infinite number of metropolitans ablaze with their boardroom maneuvering by day and party-animal antics by night.



4) Four nasty, badly choreographed fight sequences, with the first one ending in our hero being defeated. He then goes and tries to get India's best martial arts expert, who has now renounced fighting to take up a job as a female impersonator, to train him.





The expert refuses, yet agrees once our hero offers to perform fellatio on him. Sort of plagiarized from "Team America, World Police" and "The Prodigal Son". In the final fight scene, our hero redeems himself and saves the universe from imminent destruction at the hands of ancient Hinjew space-demons. Erich Von Daniken be damned.
5) Five stray canine vagabonds, with a leader called "Moti" [as in "fatass" not "pearl"], a dog that puts my canine idol, Brian from Family Guy to shame when it comes to intellectual pursuits and superhuman exploits.



6) Six degrees of separation from music, rhythm, and lyrical beauty! Yes, six shitty songs/song-n-dance sequences...
...of which 3 songs are plagiarized from Western hits, and 1 from an Arabic hit. The remaining two are random sequences generated by the music director's two year old son on Fruity Loops, and are sung in a high-pitched voice by any of Bollywood's stable roster of...
7) Seven playback singers! Features a couple of siblings, none linked to the Seven Sisters myth.
8) Eight years of self-imposed exile - the hero leaves home after a quarrel with daddy dearest, promising to carve his own destiny et al. Yes, even the worst, most commercial of movies requires a subtle moral message - in a country that is synonymous with corruption and nepotism, taking the hard route might seem a tad idiotic. But our souls will be saved by Bollywood's timely intervention.
Optional Ingredients:
a) An ever-obedient servant, named "Ramu", who not only replaces the butler, but is an excellent substitute for a filthy male prostitute. Y'know, just the way the British royals conduct their *cough* affairs.
b) A gay director or producer. To give it that feminine touch. So the average woman will relate to the flick. 'Coz no self-respecting heterosexual male watches Bollywood flicks. Women directors could do it, but they're too busy making boring, feminist documentaries.
c) Who could forget a villain, reminiscent of some of history's most notorious megalomaniacs who speaks in third person and spurts some of the most hard-hitting dialog with hints of neo-philosophy, nihilism and whatever the else makes people who read philosophy think they're better, yet unhappier than the average human.
Exhibit 1: Dong Kabhi Rong Nahin Hota, Rong To Tum Ho Gaye Ho (translates to "Dong ever wrong never, Wrong you is being")



Exhibit 2: Mogambo Khush Hua (translates to "Mogambo Happy Being")
Notice the focus on "being", the belief in self, and the like.
d) Finally, an "item number" (i.e. soft porn sequence set to porn groove interspersed with supposedly sexy Hindi lyrics), featuring a rising soft-porn starlet. Rakhi, the Idiot Savant is a great case in example.

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You're on the blog that asks whether "pinni" is but Indian cookie dough?!

3 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

And just what do you mean by "soft porn", Mr Cow? I can't remember one bare pair of Indian boobies over here and it's beginning to annoy me.

Cow Tse Tung said...

I apologize kind sir. I shall rectify the situation in my next post for sure !

John said...

Mera Pakistan
Good Blog......