Obesity Epidemic Hits Bollywood "Hard"

When I was a young *cough* warthog (yeh, my cliched opening line) , young boys and girls, including myself suffered from severe anorexia, bulimia, or in some cases, gonorrhea. Being an anorexic, I have to be one of the few dorks to have never had sex, and being a virgin, I have little idea as to how I got the dreaded gonorrhea. Remember what Freddie Mercury of Queer fame said? Too much love will kill Jews.

But who cares? Because of my STD, people reckon I'm a "playa". Anyway, this is becoming too autobiographical. What I was saying was that these days, Bollywood, Tollywood, and whatever other copycatWoods we have in the SAARC region are beginning to feel the impact of that great Hollywood blockbuster, SuperSize Me, about how American guys are increasingly making that trip to McDo-lunds (double dick, get it?) so that their nanopenises can be as big as their girlfriends or partners' 6 inch dildos, which the latter generally prefer to puny American dick.




Today, kiddos, I want you to take a good, long, hard, look at Bollywood actor, Abhishek Bachchan. What a versatile (and I don't mean in a homosexual-slang way) young man! From Teletubbyshek to AbhiShrek to Chubbyshek?

Here's a juicy story - when Rohit Balls, gay Indian fashion designer refused to let him participate in his 2006 Spring Collection show in the Pink City (Jaipur, not Gaypur) because of his weight problems, Abhishek assumed a new name, Chubbyshek, and trained hard under the guidance of my cousin, Cao Satano, and is now a well-endowed Sumo Champ, as is evident from the picture above. Notice how the flab is uniformly distributed, with his phallus growing in equal proportion to the rest of his body. Say goodbye to Cialis, Viagra, Swedish pumps, lizard ash, steroids, nasal injection treatment and shit. You want to grow your twinkie? Take a tip from Chubbyshek and the hundreds of tinseltown actors and actresses. Go on a Sumo diet. Your woman (or man) will love more of you and love you more.

The Devil Wears JayaPRADA

Devil. Trident.
Shivji. Trishul.
Devil. Destroyer.
Shivji. Destroyer.
Me. Cruiser
YAY for Battleship!



Okay, on to some serious shite mites. This is yesteryear Bollywood superstar, JayaPrada, who of course, takes her name from Jaya Bachchan and the Prada house of funky fashion. Because Hollywood is so bereft of quality actors, they took our veteran heroine, and made her into an international superstar, with the release of The Devil Wears JayaPrada's Sarees. I don't need to go into the details. The picture speaks for itself, and they're enough reviews out there on the movie. So google it all, lazybones.

The Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrush

Yeh, help the poor pulped guy, bimbo.

Yeh, so after this crushing defeat at the World Mooing Championships, I took to the bottle, and started watching the two movies my coach had left me, viz. :
The Crush
Blue Crush
He also left me some orange crush to drink, if I got thirsty. Yeh, really rubbed it in eh? Anyway, so as always, I got bored, and decided to tune into my pirate cable television, where I see this Bollywood news story on some rich fat bitch crushing this actor to a pulp on the dancefloor. Yeh, real blood on the dancefloor, real murder on the dancefloor. Achtung Michael Jackson and Sophie Ellis Baxter. Best thing? He was her date! Yeh, daddy bought the fat cow a date, and she thought the date was edible huh! Okay, bad pun.

Conclusion time folks - we desperately need to get these fat chicks off dancefloors man. They're like a safety hazard. By order of the Hon. Cow Tse Tung, Minister for Sinister Activities, uh, Cowropean Union?

Bollywood Transvestite Nuisances!

Man, I'm all for hijra rights and shit, but this is just too much. The Bollywood slut here wants to go and get a drink, but the transvestite clutching on to her is too worried about people discovering s/he's NOT really a woman, because she has a clearly visible hard-on. HELLO! Like it isn't obvious enough you're a drag queen!

Rakhi, the Savant

Man, ever since Rakhi Sawant kissed that girl, Kainaz, I have a newfound respect for her.



But this, this completely blows me! Yes, Rakhi at the International Technophobe's Technology Mela 2006, in Ropar, Punjab. She's posing with Microbesoft founder, Bill Gates' newly released book, The Toad Ahead, about how Google frogleaped Microbesoft to be the world's premier pornography search engine. Incidentally, Bill reckons Rakhi is a savant in a league of her own.

And everything falls into place now. As most bisexual, or gay celebs tend to have intellectual abilities not visible in the heterosexual populace, Rakhi's kiss with Kainaz makes perfect sense to me. So much for rumors of drugged, drunken orgies - shame on you paparazzi, trying to trash every decent intellectual trying to live her/his life by slotting them into the Kate Moss cell.