On Gorilla Marketing/Bollywood Gorillas and Chimps Making Out With Britney Spears

Hola hombre. I'm just speaking Spanish (and I'm really not) because I've decided to release a Latintronica track tentatively called "El Stupido: Los Indios Idiotas", after being inspired by my own stupidity that knows no bounds, besides, of course, Nortec musico. Anyway, on to more pressing issues. BASTARD (Bollywood Actors' Sovereign Trade And Raid Department), an industry body that claims to safeguard the interests of Bollywood act-whores is conducting an investigation into the use of apes who've, umm, 'aped' certain Bollywood actors by way of plastic surgery, and are now replacing them in Bollywood movies. While this has meant lower production costs, hence enabling Bollywood to produce more shitty movies per capita per annum, it has meant falling incomes for revered Bollywood veterans like Anal Kapoor, Yuck-shay Kumar, and Jack-Me Shroff, who no longer have age on their side.



No. I'm not drunk, and I'm definitely not confusing Planet of the Grapes (I missed my Alcoholic Synonymous meeting yet again) with Planet of the Apes. Others (not the ones from the hit TV series, Lost) are claiming that this is but a ploy, or Gorilla Marketing [1], to use MBA-style marketing jargon, to tap in to mankind's newfound love for the environment (as is evident from an increased coverage of global warming in the media these days).

And finally, I want you to take a long hard look at this news item...

Chimpanzees in Senegal have been observed making and using Britney Spears to hunt other primates, according to a study in the journal Current Biology.

All I gotta say is that these are some smart fuckers. Scarecrow Spears is the newest weapon of mass destruction.

Glossary/References etc...

[1]. Gorilla Marketing - ape-style hardsell. Makes serene cows like me go bananas. Somebody, slap me. I'm a walking talking cliche`.

I'm gonna kinda cut this post short, 'coz its been lying around as a draft for weeks now...so, I'm bored with re-reading my own bullcrap. Lets do something new...

Anjaliji Ki Pasand (Angela G's Pick) - Arjun Ram-Balls

Ancient Chinese proverb say eco-friendly person act on poplar demand.

First things first. There's a couple of nice new Bollywood blogs that are way more active, and I hate saying, a tad funnier/respectable. *sobs*.

• Polka Stripes Zebra Dot
  
• My Views on Bollywood

Do check them out. Or I'd be happy to do a feature on you. OOOoooooooOOOOooooooo.

As is cowmon (notice the rasta connection, cow-M O N, rasta MON) knowledge in Bollywood these days, His Lowness, the venereal Cow Tse Tung is, in wog parlance, a fully sick bodybuilder. Part of my fitness regime includes the intake of this super-herbal-drug (herbal drug! mmmm, salvia salivating), called Horny Goat Weed. It gives you the virility of a horny goat, and the calm demeanor of a weed-wielding hippie. Almost like Weed Willie Winkie, y'know.

So how's that linked to Bollywood, you might ask. Well, you ignoramus, son of a hippopotamus, it might shock you to know this, but former Indian supermodel, and current Bollywood actor, Arjun Ram Balls ("ram" balls, ode to horny goatweed, but of course) once trained with me at my state of the art gym. Don't believe me? He's wearing the shirt I wore to the last Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Saharanpur district.



With a cigarette in my hand...
I felt like a man (remember the public service ad on Zee TV?)

Now, his wife, fellow former Indian supermodel, Mehr Jessia comes across as a pleasant woman generally. But, I can bet you never saw THIS side of her. Her middle name is Peta, as in PETA. I kid you not.



Yeah, when life's a bitch and so is your wife, you want to make sure you get under her skin. But since we're not skin-shedding snakes (unless you believe in bloody David Icke), we have to make do with wearing her clothes. Don't ask me to get into the nitty-gritties. Ask Arjun, the autogynephiliac (yeah, laugh at me - I had to Google the spelling).

La Isla Shame-ita, and Madonna-Style Fetishism

Now, everyone's talking about fat and ugly Shilpa Shetty, just because some British TV turd decided to feature her on Big BOTHER, the irksome reality show featuring good for nothing dickwads trying hard to become celebs. Or, ex-celebs trying to regain their fame, and hopefully, some fortune along the way. I mean, what other show would make someone like Jade, the ugly racist Foodie famous?

So we decided to take the spotlight away from "Shrill-paw" and spastic nemesis, Jade, and focus on the supposedly bi-curious, exhibitionist, incestous sister Shetty, Shamita Shetty instead.



Now, I've always had a lot of faith in Shamita's quality upbringing and fantastic moral values. The first time I realized she was a woman of substance was when I saw her in a lesbian clinch with her sister, Shilpa. Yes, Shamita and Shilpa Shetty lesbian clinch. Does that make your mouth water yet? Nope? No worries - there's more pictorial proof aka the main course to follow, kids. Lesbian subtext, or sisterly love? Sisterly lust, more like.

So yeah, basically we had Shamita the nympho, all horny, and ready to do her sister, Shilpa who's not big on exhibitionism. Pity. Typical Bollywood movie. Just when things start heating up, you see someone as ugly as Prabhudeva pop in with twenty million and one dancers to do the Bharatnatyam and rid you of your stiffy.

Anyhoo...

Apparently, Bollywood actress and stripper Shamita takes her mum's advice on clean underwear very seriously. So when she ran out of clean underwear, and her bank account ran dry, she decided to make do without underwear altogether. Nothing wrong with not wearing panties, no sir. But the whole point is that in this G-string day and age, if you've run out of underwear, why not just use some cheap kitchen cord and a fig leaf? Heck, even our ancestors, and certain modern-day apes have that much decency and common sense.



On second thoughts, Shamita has more than just mere common sense - she has business sense. And that explains why she decided to show off her hairy punany to the world. Think about it - its a girl's dream. Offers to pose in Playboy magazine, free underwear from Victoria's Secret, free Brazilian waxing...the list goes on. Even if you're a Z grade celeb in Bollywood, you get freebies the common exhibitionist can only dream of. Now, I'm off to burn my undies and panties and the like...because Playcow magazine, here I ummm, "cum"?!!!?!!!!!!

EXTRA! EXTRA!
<<>>

More pictures to fan the "Fire" (God knows I'm good with cross-referencing) and make you wonder whether they're sisters or *boom* a hot desi lesbian couple who like coupling in public view :-| Ouch.



Some lesbian BDSM? Notice Shilpa's "collar". Sub-domme aesthetics. Ah, ah?



Another Shamita Shetty upskirt picture - just to set your imagination on *cough* FIRE!



Okay, I think its time for me to go jack off. Later, suckers.

Lesbian Chic versus Lesbian Chick!

Now, over the years, I've always wondered whether Indian fashion designer, Ritu Beri, who has pretty big berries is lesbian. Reason being she's surrounded by good looking men, but never had a male partner until recently. Fake marriage, as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, as always, Indian fashion befuddles me.



Ritu is wearing slut shoes, but riding breeches, and the slut on the right is wearing riding boots, but a slutty dress. What is this? Some form of pseudo-crossdressing to confuse her clientele`? Parisian chic, or simply Lesbian F. CKing Chick? And the trenchcoat! Damn - the Uncle Fester aesthetic strikes back.

Double Dose of Bollywood Mashups (More Free Bollywood MP3s, YAYYYY!!)

Here are two Bollywood mashups for all our die-hard fans, i.e. nobody. Yes, because we have no fans, these tracks are for nobody in particular.

a) Featuring the reggae-tinged Bollywood hit, from the movie Aradhana, "Roop Tera Mastana", with On-U Sound kingpin, Adrian Sherwood's Indian tinged dub track from his fabulous solo release, Never Trust A Hippy, "Hari Up Hari", DJ Cow Tse Tung and MC Rasta D'Sasta are proud to present, "Hippie Tera Mastana", featuring vocals by Bollywood playback singer and actor, Kishore Kumar. As we lack credibility, I thought we'd go for incredibility. Listen online NOW, or download free mp3.



b) The Cow Tse Tung Sound System proudly presents the next Bollywood mashup in the series, "Haal Kaisa Hai Gutbuster Ka", featuring the Asha Bhosle-Kishore Kumar hit from Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi, "Haal Kaisa Hai Janab Ka" mashed up with "Theme From Gutbuster" by the prankster bigbeat duo of Bentley Rhythm Ace, ex-Pop Will Eat Itself. Listen now, or download your MP3 copy now.

Watch the original video of Roop Tera Mastana, featuring Bollywood actor and Member of Parliament, Rajesh Khanna and Saif Ali Khan's mommy, Sharmila Tug-whore Tagore here.



Related Youtube video from Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi: